Abuse Survivor Blog » January 17, 2015

Daily Archives: January 17, 2015

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Doing Better with Anxiety Vlog January 16th, 2015

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My anxiety today was much better. I had a few moments but my neighborhood has been quiet today. My thoughts have turned to getting more out the projects I have been working on. I have a bunch of domains and now is the time to put things into action since I’ve decided to get out my own way. Less naysaying and more doing!

Sometimes its hard to feel like I’m capable of doing things the right way but there isn’t really a right and wrong way. Life is fluid like that and I am trying to learn to roll with it. I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to myself and my own life and I an doing my best to turn that skill of massive self control to better my life instead of hinder it. I still have those days where the “can’t” seeps in but I’m making progress in believing in myself again.

In the video above I reveal this blog to youtube and my general audience. I’m really proud of myself for starting this abuse survivor blog to share my experiences. Please feel free to comment or ask me questions. I was letting people interview me and now I’d like to open my video answers to also cover not just my professional life in the entertainment industry but also to answer questions about PTSD, anxiety, depression, my experiences, ect. Please note that I can only speak from my own experience and I in no way am claiming to speak for all survivors.

If you have a question please post it in the comments and I’ll be sure to add it to my list of video answers to do. Thank you for reading!

HuGz,
Sarah

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Being Kind To Yourself

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Being kind to yourself is not always easy. We tend to tell ourself so many negative things like we have a trol inside us, and we are the troll. Are you being cruel to yourself? I know I have been awful to myself in the past. I recently took about 3 months off during a bought of severe depression and realized I was treating myself just like my abusers did. I added their awful hurtful untrue things that they said to me to my own internal dialogue. I believed it too!

I realize now that those mean things I kept repeating to myself was not true and not how I see myself when I really took a hard look at who I was and what I stood for. Those introjections are not me and I don’t have to accept them or repeat them. I can discard them if I wish, I just need to get out of the habit of repeating it and accepting. This sounds easier than it really is. First I had to listen, really listen to myself and hear what what was being said to myself in any given situation or when I was just sitting quietly. Then I had to question those hurtful things I was repeating to myself. I then asked myself if what was being said was true or not. I have to repeat this many many times and I still do it today.

This greatly helped me and sometime I give myself pep-talks like the one in the video above. Sometimes I need to hear(even from my own self) that I’m doing ok.  The video and the process above may aid in feeling some compassion for oneself. It has certainly been a powerful tool for me.

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Forgiving Abusers and Self Forgiveness

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I have struggled with “forgiveness” for a very long time. It isn’t what I thought it was and certainly not what I was told it was by my abusers. I had a revelation the other day and I started to understand what forgiveness really means. On wikipedia it states that forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary process. It is a change in attitude and feeling about the offense and the ability to start(TO START) to wish the offender well. Talk about a difficult thing to do when you are still feeling so much pain!

I thought to forgive someone was like saying, “That’s ok. I’m not hurt anymore.” My abusers told me it was “forgive and forget” and “starting over like it didn’t happen” and that jusy pissed me off. This wasn’t like I had my foot stepped on by accident. Many times my abusers tended toward minimizing the incident and my pain. This also pissed me off. It was impossible to even think about forgiving them or moving on until I got some distance of time and space between me and them.

I realize now that emotions are revolving and not a static state of being…neither is forgiveness. I am still hurt, still angry, still searching for peace that I can have for the majority of the time instead of a very small part. I need this feeling of forgiveness and I am so glad that I am willing to explore it now that little by little, I am beginning to heal.

To forgive doesn’t mean that “its ok” that they hurt me or that they are allowed to be around me anymore to have any opportunity to further cause me any pain. Its for ME. Its about ME and how I feel, not really about them so much. Its about me putting those bricks down and loving myself enough to give myself permission to understand what happened and move forward. Again, this sounds nice an all that but I remember when I didn’t understand and the mere mention of forgiveness would enrage me.  Now, I feel a little sad about remembering that feeling.

I am starting to let go of my feelings of vengeance and revenge which I REALLY want to indulge sometimes. The person those feelings hurt is me. I’m still working on this but I wanted to share my feelings and what I wrote about forgiveness. I’m not a religious person  but there is a certain spirituality that can be found in this even for those that aren’t interested in organized religion, like me.

Most of what I need to work on is forgiveness for myself and empathy for myself. I need to see myself in the same empathetic and loving way that I look at others that are in pain. This goes along with not being so hard on myself and treating myself like a machine with no emotions. I’m starting to forgive myself too.