This is a video diary for January 21st, 2015. It wasn’t posted until now because I was having such a hard time that I couldn’t re-watch the video diaries for editing and writing descriptions until today.I am still recording lots of videos as well as video diaries every day. I am feeling better but the next few vlog posts will definitely be hard to watch. I’m working through some really awful memories. They are so awful that I’m having a hard time voicing them. I’m still not sure if I want to share them.
A big part of my wants to protect others from my pain, from the inconvenience of it, and this feeling goes back to my early childhood of enduring repeated horrific abuse to “protect” and “save” my family. This is extended now “need to protect” and “fear of losing people” has extended toward my friends and even strangers. This is something used by many abusers to keep their victims quiet. I’m afraid if I talk about the abuse I will lose people in my life. I’m afraid that if they are not happy with me and I am not happy, they will disappear. This way of thinking was really drilled home from a few abusive relationships in my adulthood.
I feel like I need to warn others about me because its not all fucking glitter and rainbows so maybe I won’t be punished later for disappointing them if maybe they know in advance. Maybe I can lower their expectations enough to accept me. The act of talking about my abuse actually feels rebellious and like I may in some way have to pay for it later with some sort of abuse. These are not rational thoughts but they do make sense as to why I feel these things. how else would I feel given my history. I am really trying to relearn in order to find some more peace in my life. I don’t know if other survivors of child abuse feel this way but the mix of fear and relief at the same time is pretty confusing
Finding more peace in my life means to cut down on stress, no rat race, and to allow new people in my life at my own pace. I am trying to accept myself as my family has accepted me and told me a lot over the past few months. They have totally stepped up and are right there for me. They always do this but I need to just ask for some help, or an ear to listen. I am not a religious person but there is no other way to describe the feeling when I think of them other than I am blessed.
I am also blessed by your kindness and support. Please know that I see everything you send to me, your compliments, comments, and suggestions. I am trying to catch up on emails and comments on social media but sometimes social media such an unhappy place that I tend to avoid it. The more I have been not online and involved in social media, the happier I am. Less input at this stage of my healing is best for me. I’m not ignoring you at all. I see you, and your kindness. Thank you for showing me this side of yourself after I showed you my side of myself that is in pain. It means so much to me and I have happy tears in my eyes as I’m typing this.
Some days are still really difficult and the emotions you are seeing are raw. I tend to express myself with language that may be scary or perceived as intent. I am just talking, processing through emotions, and expressing myself. I felt like I wanted to end my life in August but that is not what I want now. If I get those thoughts and they stick around, I will definitely be calling a friend, family member, or my therapist. Sometimes, it may seem like the best thing to do is try and swoop in and help but you are all already doing that. You are doing the best thing. You are listening, you are supportive. I couldn’t ask for more. 🙂