Well, I had a few good days and crammed in some work so hopefully I can keep paying my bills. The last 2 1/2 years have been a mostly sick me trying to keep up with work and stressing about it on top of dealing with the trauma that caused the PTSD. Yesterday, I experienced crushing sadness and I kept dissociating. Today, I’m experiencing nausea and a headache is threatening to appear. The sadness is still there…and I’m irritable. I am struggling again. I get a brief day or 2 of feeling well and productive before I’m knocked down again. I get a glimpse of who I could be before is all dashed away again. Healing is not linear and that pretty much pisses me off, DAMMIT! I’m grateful for those high functioning times. It also hurts so much that I don’t remain there. That is what I fight for, to get more time in that head space of living in the moment.
This is anxiety but without the super high heart rate, sweating although it could turn that way if I don’t take care of myself. My body is in a flight response. The human body will sometimes drop everything and run that means making yourself lighter so we can run. That’s where the nausea comes from…the damn monkey brain is freaking the fuck out! Ok, what do I do now? Cool water to drink, petting my dogs, remove all input such as social media, the news, and enjoy some quiet. Find that little healed part of myself. Center myself there. Listen to my body and my mind for clues. There is more trauma processing coming. Anxiety, depression, and the resulting nausea are a big sign that I’ve just recently been able to see.
I’ve decided to just tell my brain to bring it on. I have lived through worse. I can live through processing more trauma. I have gotten this far and have proof that I will get through this too. I’m human. I struggle but I won’t give up. I’m going to love myself through this even if it’s like this for the rest of my life.