Abuse Survivor Blog » November 2017

Monthly Archives: November 2017

Uncategorized

We Mean Nothing

Published by:

The brother of the man that raped me repeatedly as a kid(he’s also a child molester and molested his own children among others, his son committed suicide at 16 after hurting a child himself and couldn’t live with what he had done.) decided to try to friend me on my personal facebook page. It triggered me hard but instead of being instantly built up into a rage I’ve been trying to quiet down. Why is he trying to do this? To upset me? To somehow how get in my life? For what?

I learned that not trying to take the child rapist to court was actually the best decision. I could have prosecuted at 18 but decided not too. Felt guilty about it for years but then I find out that L (daughter of the guy that tried to friend me) tried to sue and the courts said their was no evidence. NO EVIDENCE. Her testimony as well as her mother’s was not enough evidence. Our words mean NOTHING. Out testimony is nothing. Women and children raped and molested mean nothing. The world doesn’t care unless it makes them look good. Even though only 2% are false claims, it’s better to not ruin the rapists lives but the children’s lives and adults that are raped/assaulted are ruined. No jail time, no punishment. Again, the message is that we mean nothing.

 

Abuse Survivors Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Complex PTSD My Story Overcoming Sexual Abuse

So, I Quit. Another New Chapter in My Life

Published by:

I quit my job, my business, my career. I worked really hard for over a decade. I adapted and tried my best. I simply don’t have the emotional energy anymore. In order for me to keep going I have to put have to put my needs aside. I can’t do that anymore. I quit. I passed this test and lived. I chose myself. I’m really sick and down. I really really really don’t want to be in this dark place right now.

I’m really sad about it and it’s added to this new level of healing I’m in that includes grieving…lots of it. I almost tried to explain more but it sounds well, kind of like gibberish but that’s the healing process. I’m sad that I won’t accomplish some of the things I set out to do. I’m sad that my income will most likely suffer more due to this choice. I’d sad that I cannot do the job I love so much. I still love it and miss it.

So, what now? Well, I’ve been studying another business for a long time that will use many of the skills I taught myself in the adult industry. All the hours slaving away at updates, copy, video editing, seo, creating web pages, membership areas, getting payment processors integrated, configuring wordpress, plugins, ect will pay off in my next adventure. I’ve already gotten started but it’s not quite ready yet. What is holding me back is self confidence most of all. I’m working on it a little at a time when I’m feeling lucid along with the other hundred things I’m trying to fight with in my mind. I am way more sick than I let on most days. I do that for everyone’s benefit and to keep that little bit of denial alive so I can pretend to be ok. I can’t anymore and it’s heartbreaking.

I know I have been away and not posted in awhile. I haven’t felt like talking much. I had too much to process. This decision was very difficult and still is. I’m not going away though but I’ll be switching all my social media around for my new adventures. I still need time but I’m getting there. Thank you all for reading and the support you show me. I appreciate all of you even when I’m too sick to be online. One day at a time. I’m still here.