Abuse Survivor Blog » June 2018

Monthly Archives: June 2018

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Free Writing- Job Transition

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I’d like a clean break from one career to the other but that just isn’t possible.I have not been wasting time though. I have been working really hard on myself and studying marketing. I’m now creating a new business. I was afraid to use my real name for fear that assholes will come from my stalker/adult world and try to fuck with things for me. Fuck it, let them come and lose an eye or worse.It’s not like I was ever able to hide anyway. They don’t get to hold me back anymore. Yes, it’s scary. Fuck it, do it anyway. Live anyway. prosper ANYWAY. For myself and for spite! HA!

Banks may be shutting down bank accounts for adult entertainers if the new “end banking for traffickers” bill passes and most likely, it will. Most of my income comes from adult income streams. Talk about a big glaring wake up call. I don’t regret anything I did in adult entertainment but more now than ever, it will be difficult to move onto another job. I didn’t plan on leaving adult entertainment but I don’t have the energy or the interest anymore. I have to focus on myself and healing. Extra energy isn’t in the cards for me. I’m really done with the threats from men in my inbox on every message system out there because I won’t give them my time or answer them at 3am. It’s time for me to go. Now I get to deal with folks thinking they can just touch and fuck me because of my previous job. I’ll enjoy face-barking them. Boundaries, bitch, welcome to 2018.

If people try to infiltrate and fuck with things, I’ll fuck up their shit back then. Let others be aware of toxic humans that have nothing better to do that try to seek some sort of revenge because I won’t put up with their abuse, want to fuck them, or share MY time. They can all fuck off. I have to go my own way. That way is mine and serious and silly. Fuck other people’s opinions. Time to build this on my own and for the 1st time in my life there is no dumbshit in my way. Just me and my fears. I will get through and past them though. It’s self doubt. This is normal for entrepreneurs. Very normal.

Uncategorized Videos

I Deleted My Video Blog on Youtube

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I deleted my PTSD Video Blog on Youtube. It is not gone forever though. I will be re-posting the videos here on the blog for you to watch. It seems like every month or so there is another change that makes it more difficult for smaller creators over there. They are also not very supportive of mental health videos. I’m tired of censoring myself when what I have to say is also important even if I throw in a few expletives or share about some really difficult subjects.  I need the freedom to express myself not be held back. This is only temporary but it may take me some time to change the video hosting over. In the meantime, I hope to be feeling well enough enough to continue to share via my written blog for now.

UPDATE: Problem solved! I have the solution for the video hosting issue and and I will be restoring the videos as soon as I am able.

Complex PTSD Effects of Child Abuse Effects of Emotional Abuse Free Writing My Story Overcoming Sexual Abuse ptsd

I Have a Lot to Live For

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I could tell you about my suicide attempts, the thoughts of wanting it to end, and the events that led me to want to die. I have a lot to live for though and that is more exciting. Yes, I suffer, but whatever, I’m a human. I’ve been through a lot of terrible things but I am still here. For much of my life I didn’t want to live. I did it anyway. I carried on. Four years ago I crashed hard. I made it through. Changes were made. I moved twice and I’m moving on again to another career field. I am making my life livable again and it’s exciting! I still fight every single day.

With the recent celebrity suicides in the news I realized that I WANT TO LIVE! I am not feeling suicidal or scared that I will hurt myself lately. I feel like I am on my own side and will get through whatever CPTSD throws at me while I’m healing. It’s all healing, even the shitty things like memories of abuse, nightmares, flashbacks, disassociation all part of processing trauma. I know I will get a but choked up with emotion and gratitude but here it goes…

What have to live for(in no particular order):

Pets – Have you seen my good rescue Doggos? Lily and Buster are amazing and help me so much by just loving me. They were also abused in their pasts but we all have a good life now. The good doggo life with lots of love, cuddles, hugs, play, FOOD, and peace.

Family- They love me unconditionally. I feel the same. It’s a fierce love that doesn’t seek to control but support and allow me to be me, whoever that is or what I’m going through. I know hurting myself would also hurt them and fuck that. I am the joking silly one. I want to make them laugh as much as possible with my silliness and love themselves as much as I love them.

Books to read- Since many were held back by bullshit discrimination, I’m excited to read new authors that are not the traditionally published. Dumbass humans that can’t figure out that other humans come in different colors, shapes, sizes and genders, sexuality, preferences, and it takes all kinds of people for the world to work. Anyway, there are blogs and books from people I would have never been able to learn from before producing content that I am excited to pure into my brain!

Books to write- I have a story. It will be healing to tell it. Maybe my life can help someone else.

Positive contributions to make like- Yes, I have an agenda if I am going to stay. My aspirations in life have to do with helping others to heal, sharing info, teaching healthy coping methods. I have a lot to learn still but that’s also another exciting part of life for me.

Art to create- I’m a sculptor at heart and I am making my ceramics studio happening. I’m also painting more and enjoying the chaos of watercolor. I have notebooks of sketches and ideas.

ME! – I am still figuring out who I am underneath all the dissociation, coping, and other CPTSD symptoms. Who I am is nothing like the abusive people told me I was. I don’t need anyone to tell me who I am anyway. Now that I love myself a little I want to go shout it to the damn rooftops! I LOVE ME! I’m already a loving person but I feel like my heart had grown even larger. That also means I’m more protective of myself and my own well being.

Future- Who knows what opportunities will arise? I plan to be here for it.

People(YES,REALLY? I KNOW,WTF!?) Yes, people. There are amazing people out there. We focus on the jerks but there are also people that are just well, flat out fucking amazing human beings. They inspire me to learn, grow and love. They inspire me to live. Some of those people are reading this post right this very moment! Thank you to everyone that comments and shares my posts as well as their own experience.

There is more but that’s the short version. This could be a book all in itself.