Category Archives: Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Adult survivors of child abuse can still be affected by their abuse as children. In this category I will be talking about adult survivors and myself, as I am also a survivor of child abuse and I personally have gone through many of the effects of child abuse from sleep disturbance to trust issues.

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The Healing From PTSD Toolbox pt1

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PTSD Toolbox pt1

In the past few years I’ve dedicated my life to healing from PTSD.  I’m doing my best to survive through the healing process. I’ve learned a TON in this time and have built my own “toolbox” for helping myself through this tedious, frustrating, depressing process. I can feel a little part of myself that is healed. Now I want MORE because this little part of me that is healed and it is fucking beautiful. Loving myself and the love of others plus the hard work I’ve done has healed that little part….and it took years.

Below are some of the things in my arsenal/toolbox(sometimes resources are limited and I only have a belt!)

Breathe- Sometimes the simplest things can bring me relief. You know that thing you do when you are on fire, Right? Stop, drop, and roll. My breathing rule is: Breathe, accept, self-care. When I’m anxious, my frontal lobe goes offline and it is more difficult to remember how to take care of myself. Controlling my breathing is my starting point to combating panic attacks, being calmer, and helps me to walk back an anxiety attack. I build off the act of taking care of myself with slower breathing.

Self-care- Love myself has been one of the most difficult things for me to learn. I still struggle with it. I re-learn a lot of things as different phases of healing come over me. I get cranky about the woo-woo stuff but dammit, sometimes the woo-woo works. I could write for literally hours about self-care and I plan too with a book I’m currently writing about healing from PTSD. Self-care can be simple too, like doing things for yourself that you like but it is bigger than that for me. Many times I have to disassociate a bit to think of my body like an animal that needs proper nutrition, exercise, and care. Self-care is vital to my survival. Examples of self-care are meditation, long baths, and stress management activities.

Music- I have a weird relationship with music. I love music but it can also trigger me. I used to tend to avoid it since it triggered emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with. It has also helped to heal me by bringing on those emotions.  Lately, I have been listening to a lot more music instead of being on social media or watching TV. This has greatly improved my mood as well as my productivity throughout the day.

Family/Friends- The support from my family and friends make healing so much more tolerable. Having someone in my corner reminds me to be in my own damn corner too. They are shining examples of how to be there for someone else. My circle is small but that’s really all I can manage right now. It is difficult for me to give a lot right now but they understand that and still love me anyway.

Routines/Checklists- I have notes and checklists to remind me to do things like eat. This is especially useful on days where my anxiety is less manageable. I also have a lot of memory issues due to PTSD so the lists help keep me on track so I don’t forget. There have been days where I can’t help myself from dissociating away from the pain. On those days, it helps to have reminders on what to do next while getting through my brain trying to process the latest bit of uncovered hell. The 7 hells! (ok, I’m getting carried away,lol) I also use reminder on my phone to help if I forget to look at the damn list. My bedtime routine is designed to set myself up for a successful night’s sleep.

Therapy- Therapy is a great tool to help guide you if you are having trouble. It is also comforting to speak to someone. I’m a talking and verbalizing my feeling and memories helps me to process them. A good therapist can help add to the toolbox of useful things to help cope with the symptoms of PTSD. There are many thing I still do not talk about with anyone but a therapist and myself.

Entertainment- With all the tools, entertainment can be an escape, if only for a short time. Many people love to bash entertainers but I love them. They are the givers of welcome distraction. Without them, billions would be more depressed. Since I wasn’t allowed to cry, I laugh more. Laughing does similar things to the brain as crying. Entertainment is how many relief stress. I have created entertainment that has helped to relief my stress too. It works in all kinds of wonderful ways.

There is more! Wow, I just realized that I have a pretty extensive toolbox of things to help me. Since this blog post is such a long one already, I’ll save some more tools for another post. If you want to share what has helped you to heal, please do!

 

 

 

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PTSD with Anxiety SUCKS- Don’t Panic

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PTSD with Anxiety-Don't Panic

PTSD with anxiety is what I’m dealing with now. It has happened before and I’m sure it will many times as I cycle through the phases of healing. I really wish with all my heart that this process was faster. It takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, my heart races several times a day in the form of anxiety attacks. I’m doing my best to cope in healthy ways.

I haven’t written on this blog for awhile. I think I needed some alone time. Some quiet. It’s been a really rough year. Certain stages of healing make me mourn for my denial bubble. Knowledge is power, sure, but some of it hurts like hell. Sometimes it pisses me off. PTSD with anxiety is really painful emotionally and physically. I feel exhausted constantly.

Lots of things can help with anxiety: music, breathing, changing your immediate environment, ect. As recommended in the book, Courage to Heal, I am working on a list to refer to when I get desperate. Anxiety makes it difficult to think straight or remember things. Desperate feelings are one of the least pleasant things about it. I’m also resistant to things that are actually helpful and tend to rebel against them. Go figure! The right thing to do for myself is not always the easiest or 1st thing I think about.

Here’s my list below. Feel free to swipe it for yourself and add too it, make your own list. Print it out or write a copy, I’m printing mine out to tape up and see in a couple rooms. May we all find peace.

Help with Anxiety list

Help For Anxiety:

1. Breath
2. Wiggle your toes. Feel the ground under your feet. Feel the temperature of the room
3. Chew some gum.
4. Listen to some uplifting music
5. Let yourself cry
6. Find something to laugh at. Be silly but don’t criticize yourself
7. Play with my dog
8. Work on an art project
9. Dance to some funky beats
10. Yell into a pillow
11. Hit the pillow
12. Throw that fucker! (safely, lol, I’m laughing already)
13. Tell someone how much you appreciate them
14. Write a diary entry about what I’m grateful for
15. Remind myself that it is ok if I’m still anxious even after trying 14 things. Practice compassion.
16. Write a letter to my child self
17. Talk to myself in sign language in front of the mirror
18. Write in my journal
19. Call a family member
20. Help someone else
21. Listen to the soothing audio and video files from this program or other soothing guided relaxation
22. Record my own guided relaxation audio
23. Go for a walk or exercise/yoga/stretching
24. Verbalize out loud how I’m feeling

There are probably a lot more things to do that could help someone else. I haven’t included those due to my own personal triggers. It is also not in order. I skip around a lot. That is how my brain works though. Do what works for you! Some of them are: take a bath/shower, Wrapping yourself in a blanket and hugging yourself, meditate, ect. There are tons more that you can use to care for yourself when you are experiencing anxiety.

Thank you for reading my blog. It has really helped me to have a place to write and share. It feels so amazing to not have to carry this secret anymore. It released so much shame to just come out and tell people. Secrets perpetuate abuse so fuck that. I would promise to write more but I just don’t know if I will be able too. I’m living day to day, hour to hour, sometimes even minute to minute. PTSD with anxiety or whatever shitty symptom pops up to haunt me can fuck off. I’m living through this. I don’t mean to ruin the ending for you but SPOILER ALERT: PTSD doesn’t kill me.

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Who the Fuck Am I , Anyway?

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Accepting myself the way I am has also led me to learn more about myself. What is really me and what is the PTSD? Will I really be that different as I heal more? This is confusing to me. I meet myself everyday, where I am. I’m looking forward to knowing more about myself that is my true self and not who I tried to be for the abusive people in my life. Yes, you read that correctly, I severely adjusted my behavior to survive in such a deep way that I was lost to who I really am.

To survive I learned to be quiet and still. Don’t get noticed too much. Don’t feel too much. DON’T CRY. Be as numb as you can and don’t make waves or stir shit. Stay out of everyone’s way. Don’t talk about yourself. Don’t be proud or creative or think outside the box. Don’t offer your opinion no matter how much you think it is right.

Of course the real me peeked through and reached out anyway. This usually got me into trouble but one of the times the real me came out was when I decided to quit my office job to dance on stage for dollars. “An adventure!” I enthusiastically thought as I smiled to myself. My rebellious side devoured this new delicious feeling…and the freedom. I danced and swayed, I climbed around on the globe cages like a monkey and got completely ripped. Something else strange happened. People told me nice things. I know it may seem strange but I wasn’t used to it at all. After awhile, all these positive comments from staff, other gals, and customers started to seep in a tiny bit. I met a touring gal that was selling magazines and DVD’s and I had to meet her. I always wanted to be in magazines since I found a Penthouse mag hidden in a closet. To my surprise she told me I was beautiful and I should go to Los Angeles. I could get a lot of work and definitely be in the adult magazines.

With the little bit of confidence I had gained along with that true bit of myself that is eternally and weirdly optimistic I started to research. I found an agent and agreed to fly to LA and shoot porn! I was 23 years old and had never flown in an airplane. My true self came through and I faced my fear of flying. I ran off and joined the porn circus figuring they would throw me back but what the hell. Adventure!

They didn’t toss me back. In fact, they embraced me and helped me. I live my life on my terms now. The adult industry has been what has allowed me to take these past 2 years to heal. There is still a huge stigma about the adult industry. Without it I would be living in poverty. Will I ever be able to be hired at a regular job after being in the adult industry for over 10 years? Nope, probably not. That’s ok, I don’t want to work for other people anyway. One of the amazing things I’ve learned is that I can make my own way. I get to be my true self, no matter what that self is that day. I get to live many lives and explore myself, the artist inside of me, my sexuality. ALL THE THINGS I want are open and waiting for me to experience, to have, to live. I will thrive.

Who Am I?

I’m strong, resilient, adventurous, thoughtful, empathetic, loving, LOUD, sassy,bossy, wicked, and someone who stands up for other people and includes everyone as much as I can. I’m creative and kind, silly and moody. I overshare. I am a survivor. I have survived each day no matter what happens. I’m still here. I’m still living my life and loving the best way I know how. I want to lift people up as I get better too. I’m proud of myself and I don’t care anymore about who doesn’t like it. PROUD! I’m that person that wants everyone to succeed and do well. I don’t compete with others. I have boundaries and I’m still learning to establish them and stand up for myself. I make up words and silly songs. I cry happy tears and sad tears every day. I love passionately and feel passionate about everything I’m interested in. I go off on tangents and I forget that I’m human needing things like food. I’m a work in progress that I don’t want to ever stop. Always forward, onward upward. I told you, weirdly optimistic. Sometimes, I’m pretty damn brave. I’m really sensitive. I don’t take criticism well. I tend to shift my boundaries or ignore them to explore. This is both a source of immense growth and can be pretty dangerous too. What is a comfort zone anyway?

I recently took a bunch of online tests for fun and just explore what would come up. After about 10 Myers & Briggs personality tests I kept coming up ENFP. I had to retake the test a bunch of times because I took it a long time ago and I tested as something completely different. I couldn’t believe someone just laid it all out there for me to read about myself, my true self that I tried to hide from everyone. What is described is literally me when I am being my high functioning self. This made so much sense to me. It helped me to realize that many of the things I was taught to repress as “not ok” was part of my true self and my personality. Fuck repressing myself. Fuck holding back. Also fuck pants and repetitive boring shit that people expect. Fuck expectations and bullshit from narcissistic assholes. I come from love and I will continue to treat the world with love. I now turn this immense love I have had for other to myself. Nothing stops me from what I want unless I let it. I look forward to further developing myself and growing into ME. Not who they told me to be, who they said I was, who they wanted me to be…just ME.

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New Hope in Healing from Child Abuse

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I have made a lot of progress with my healing and I feel myself continuing to heal. No matter the stresses in life, I’m learning to cope in healthier ways. I feel a new hope as I put myself out there more instead of being a hermit and just keeping to myself. I’m not able to go and do ALL THE THINGS I want to. Sometimes, I feel I’m missing out on adventures and experiences but taking care of me means knowing my limits. With increased stress, even good stress, my symptoms of PTSD flare up.

My last flare up was so scary I didn’t even know what to do. I was around all these beautiful strong women. I was so excited to get back out into the world and be apart of things again! Unfortunately, that’s when one of the scariest things in my life happened. I started to hallucinate. Out of the right side of my vision, I kept seeing someone. A flicker, a sense there was a person. It is not a real person that is physically there. I saw someone looking in the window as I was sitting at the table with my friends. I felt like I was losing it. It continued into the next day. I was caring for my Mom because she was sick with a stomach bug and my brain didn’t let up. It wasn’t that someone was there, it was the feeling that that someone was coming to get me, hurt me. Talk about fucking paranoia!

Every few minutes I felt compelled to look to the right. I sat by her bedside and watched TV with her all the while feeling like someone was there when no one was. No one was going to come around the corner from the bathroom. I knew I couldn’t go back to spend time with my friends like that. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. I realized then I was pretty ashamed of this new development. I texted my friend the next day telling her that I was having a hard time and apologized for not being up to going out. I braced for her to be angry but she wasn’t at all. She sent me LOVE, not apathy for my situation like many have in my past. I’ll always remember that.

What I didn’t realize at the time was this started not long after moving into my new place. I couldn’t reflect when I was being startled so much with the perceived threat in my peripheral vision. I often don’t want to get others involved in my pain. It started with the bedroom door. I kept feeling like someone was there. I kept looking at it, open or closed, I kept checking. No one is there but the fear is real, the terror was all but unbearable. It was physically painful but not as much as the mental anguish. I even started looking into a PTSD facility that maybe I could go stay in for some help.

On Sunday I watch ones of my favorite shows and it was the episode where we all learn why Hodar says Hodar instead of talking. He was really saying HOLD THE DOOR. I watched it and was finally able to cry. He held that fucking door. That night I tried to sleep in my bed but I just couldn’t. I joked to myself that I needed a Hodar. Someone to hold the door for me to keep me safe or just sit in front of it so the door couldn’t be moved. I wished my room had no doors or windows, no way to get to me. I’m thankful for this wonderful scene in the show. I had a breakthrough. I also slept on the couch for a few nights before I was able to sleep in my bedroom again.

The door in my bedroom as a child was also in the same orientation as it is now. The door was on the right. I would stare at the door for hours in terror, listening to every little noise, watching for the shadows to move under the door to let me know if it was going to happen again. A huge amount of time in my life at that time has been devoted to paying extreme close attention to every little detail to let me know if I was safe or not. I barely slept. It is exhausting.

How sad is it that a bedroom itself is scary? The place you are supposed to feel safe, in your own home, in your own bed. Not for me. This is what they mean when they say normal everyday things can be a trigger. I had no sense of safety. I almost re-arranged my bedroom but decided against it. I decided that I wasn’t going to change anything and that instead of fearing the door I would tell the door that I was an adult now and nothing that could be behind it would be as scary as ME.

When I started therapy and decided I wasn’t going to take my own life, I dragged a foam mattress into the living room. I slept there for a year until I moved into an apartment. When I moved into my current home, I bought a beautiful new bedroom outfit as a reward to myself. I made the bedroom my sacred space for rest. I try my best to adhere to a strict routine. For the past 2 weeks when the alarm at 8pm goes off, I take sleeping pills. So far, this is working great and I’m sleeping better than I have in my whole life. I still look at the door but it is not as scary now. I feel hope now that I will continue to get better.

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Healing from PTSD

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I am currently healing from PTSD and I am in year 2 of dedicated healing. Below are the topics I will be discussing in the video:

Insomnia
Nightmares
Night Terrors
Flash Backs
Intrusive Thoughts
Sadness/Hopelessness/Otherness
Anxiety
Self Hatred
Anger/Hostility
Hypervigilance
Suicidal Thoughts
Disassociation

 

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My PTSD is Trying to Kill Me Again

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“I will take your sleep which in turn robs you of your patience, your energy, and your ability to heal your physical body.

I will take your peace of mind and replace it with daily terror and fear. I will fuck with your memory, some days you will be not be able to put 2 sentences together, or remember to take care of yourself. You will question everyone around you and wonder if you can trust them but I won’t stop there. I will slowly grind away at your ability to trust yourself.

I will erode away at your self-confidence that you could be out in the world and survive. I will make you question your ability to survive by wrecking you with panic attacks, emotional flashbacks, and linking things in your normal life to your past so that it’s always right there in your face.

I will steal your peace away with flashbacks, hallucinations, and intrusive thoughts. I will make you feel crazy. I will pull you into a pit of despair as you struggle to smile and climb out.

Finally, I will steal your will to live. As you struggle to take it one day to time, hour to hour, and minute to minute, I will steal days, months, and years from you as you wait it out, wait to feel better, and wait for me to stop but I won’t. You will watch your life go by and everyone around you while you are at the state of paralyzing anxiety and stuck with me. My claws dig deep into your physiological flesh. I try to rip it.

I am such a mind fuck that I will not kill you myself but I will convince you to do it yourself or to be destructive enough in your urges that someone else might. I will convince you that it’s your only option and the only path to peace.

Death is the only peace-“

I SAY-FUCK THAT!

**This is the part where the superhero me, “self-care and love”  me comes in and kicks PTSD’s ass!

She ties up PTSD, and throws the fucker in the trunk.

“Enjoy the ride, ASSBUTT, you don’t need to be the front seat anymore!”

Superhero gets into the passenger seat and smiles at the driver which is me. In the backseat are my other selves the 3 year old child me, the twenty-something me, the teenager me, the villain me, the big angry guerrilla me, and all the others that occupy space in my mind that are all parts of me.

We listen to some music on the radio that we all like we jam out as we drive down the road to a happier life with PTSD securely in the trunk.

That’s how I see it in my head anyway. 28 people diagnosed with PTSD take their life every day. That is more than 1 per hour. Today, I am not one of them. This illness is trying to kill me and I will not let it. Not only with I live through this, just surviving, I will thrive and to my best to help lift other people up that are also suffering.

I’d really like to create videos of these scenarios as art therapy.  Hopefully, I can some day. I’m working on getting some special effects skills under my belt.

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Living and Coping with PTSD

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I just finished reading this book about PTSD called, “What’s Your Superpower?: Living and Coping with PTSD” by Bob Wagner. Usually I fly through a book, devouring all its bits much like I eat french fries but this was more like a fine steak dinner that you savor each part.  I had a lot of emotional reactions and cried a lot while reading.  I was triggered a couple times but I really loved how the author did not mince his words and got right down to the heart of what it is like to live with PTSD on a daily basis. He describes it perfectly and in a way I just want to shout it to the rooftops that is you have PTSD this book is VERY validating and if you love someone with PTSD, it is a book for you too. I’ll be directing people to this book a lot like I do the other resources that have helped me in my ongoing journey.

It really helps me to read books by people with the actual disease instead of some educated person’s theory on it. Its comforting and heartbreaking that I am not alone in what I go through every day. I’m very thankful that he was able to open up like he did. I also learned that 28 people that have been diagnosed with PTSD commit suicide EVERY DAY! That’s a horribly large number and to think that is just the ones with a diagnosis and just the ones that are classified a suicide. I understand why though. PTSD tried to kill me and continues to through its bitch-ass hat in the ring every few months.

This book also helped me to see the behavior caused by PTSD and what is actually part of my personality. There are assignments in the book for PTSD sufferers and I enjoyed them although some are still in progress in my mind as well as my journals. I had already started working further defining my symptoms vs what is just me and my dorky weirdoness. Reading Bob Wagner’s book further helped to bring that home that my identity is not my disease and visa versa.

If you can not tell, I highly recommend this book and it is work owning digitally to refer back to again and again. It is a story of strength and understanding. The author still struggles with PTSD and overcomes it every day to live his life. This book made me realize that I do the same and inspired me to keep going. My disease has been trying to kill me again as I go into this new phase of healing. It is lying to me and taking things from me like sleep and time. It makes me feel crazy but what is really happening is that I’m fighting.

This book also addresses the stigma that comes along with mental illness as well as the many stupid things that people say to you if you do happen to have a mental illness and they find out. Reading this I began to realize what a fucking underdog that I really am: sex worker, female, abuse survivor, mentally ill. This doesn’t make me feel bad anymore though. I don’t hold near the amount of shame that I used to about anything I listed above.  I hope to one day write a book from my perspective as well. There are some big plans that I decided not to wait to do when I feel better. Here’s the thing: I might not feel better, my disease might kill me, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I have started to progress toward my dreams if only one small step per day. This book is one more tool in my arsenal against PTSD and living my life. As it says in the book though: Living another day is one for the win column.

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Anger: Venting- Healing From Child Abuse

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I’m angry and I’m allowing it to happen. I’m allowing myself to feel it fully now and it scares me. It can scares others since I’m female…society says I’m not allowed to be angry, my abusers said I wasn’t allowed to be angry either so I know its fucked to believe anger is an emotion that I’m not supposed to have. Tough titty, here it is! How inconvenient for others and I don’t give any fucks about it. Actually, I’m really pissed about being mentally abused for having a natural reaction to abuse. Anger is normal, anger is ok, its ok to be angry. I have every right to be angry. Now what do I do with this?!? I’ve been really sad and cycling through a lot emotions in the past year and once again the wheel of emotions has stopped at anger.

Its different this time. This is old anger that doesn’t have words. Its anger from my childhood. It was formed when I didn’t know the English language very well yet. I was too young to form the thoughts an older child would.

What I will do:
I’m going to learn everything I can about anger, its driving force, the source(pain,FUCK!) let it happen, and deal with it the healthiest ways I can. I will scream and shout, punch pillows, break items that are designated for that purpose. I will write like mad and work on projects with my new found passionate energy that hopefully I can use from this immense ball of feelings. I’m going to breath and love myself through it like I have other parts of my healing process. I will show up and do my best. I will have compassion for myself as a human that has been through some awful shit.

What I will not do
I will not hurt myself or others(I will try but someone is bound to get their feelings hurt). I won’t destroy anything that isn’t designated for that purpose. I will not direct the anger at myself but at who is really to blame. I will not be shamed into silence by apologists, trolls,ect. I will not suppress it. I will attempt to not stop myself from feeling as much as possible. I catch myself now. I will not make unrealistic expectations of myself that I learned from narcissistic assholes and our asshole society.

VENT/RANT
I will not suffer ignorant fools that choose to not educate themselves or be compassionate with survivors. I am cold and have no compassionate for those who do not have compassion for others. I’m not only done with them, I’m ready to shun them and treat them like they treated me. Of course, they can’t take a dose of what they dish out and some don’t even realize they are re-traumatizing people with their lack of empathy. Also, fuck sympathy. I’m stronger than a lot of people. Many people that have been through 1/10th of what I have are gone, dead, and I am STILL HERE. I will learn to love myself despite everything I’ve been told to the contrary.

Part of me remains here for spite, to one day read about the death of my abusers, to out-live them. Letting them live their miserable lives instead of killing them is a much better plan than any vengeance I could plan to visit upon them. I planned a lot, too. This also keeps me out of prison. It is ok to write it all out and release it. It is when serious plans get made and the fantasy starts to actually take over large amounts of time that I know I need to back off. Besides, I had the chance to kill or remove the genitals of one of my abusers and I didn’t. To me, that means I’m stronger than that. I’m stronger than the abuse that has infected my mind. There is something in me that’s better, stronger, and kinder than that. Kindness and not hurting others no matter how much pain I am in the my true strength. Love is stronger and that is VERY real. I just have to allow it. That I can see someone as another human trusting me and not take advantage even though I can see the direct path to doing so. I see the path to taking care of that person too and choose that(and by other people I mean myself too!). Its not black or white but I am going to strive to turn this force that is anger into something good for my life.

I feel better since I wrote this all down but I’m still pissed. I am going to speak out more about child abuse and share helpful information. Maybe one day I’ll have enough to really help someone and be there for them the way I’m learning to be there for myself. I have another driving force inside me that is not anger but this drive to share what I have learned about healing so others can heal too. I want to show others that it is possible to heal and feel better. It is still difficult and there are bad days but IT DOES GET BETTER. It was heal or death for me. I chose to heal. My anger will manifest to an intense passion to bring awareness and compassion to myself and others.

Thank you for reading.

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I Lived

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I won’t break myself part anymore and hide the pieces that you won’t accept.
The whole of me rejects being apart from itself any longer.
Pieces have become integrated.
Life is being lived.
I’m afraid.

I cry, I scream, I dance.
There is sitting for long silences and bursts of unrepentant laughter.
…and I LIVE.
I allow me to be myself and celebrate what that means every day.
I’m happy and grateful.
Just being me.
Becoming who I have the potential to be.

I forgive myself what had to happen to survive up to this point.
I thank myself for getting us this far.
Us, all of us, the little girl, the teenager, the young woman, and who I am today sitting with all of them and looking with compassion and sometimes wonder that we made it.
I made it.
I lived.

I’m not really sure what to do if it would be considered a bunch of words on the screen or a poem of sorts. It came from my heart so and how I feel today after recovering very dark place that I was in. I’m able to look back now and see that I made the right choice not to kill myself. I feel like I’ve conquered something. I had this feeling of, “They didn’t win” and “Fuck them!”

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Goal: Stop Being So Damn Hard on Myself

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As I started my healing process last year I made a promise to myself that I would stop being so hard on myself about every little thing I could possibly be hard of myself for. I came to realize that I was treating myself much like the people in my life who were abusive. I did not let myself rest very often or let myself have is that I wanted. I second-guessed myself at every turn and I minimized my own feelings and abilities for the comfort of others. I had a broken record of complete and utter bullshit filing cabinet in my mind as to why I wasn’t able to do things or do anything right. I would literally mentally beat myself up if that I did not meet my own unrealistic expectations that eerily matched the unrealistic expectations of abusive people that have been in my past. The words in my head were not mine. It was the echoes of the things said in the past still haunting me. Insults and untruths which I am still working on processing and accepting them for what they are.

I have gone through most of the bullshit and even proven some things wrong with concrete evidence akin to “Oh yeah? Watch this, Motherfucker.” What seems to be left now are remnants. The things that I have to be hard on myself now are nothing now that my brain is really and truly started to make some shit up. For example I was being hard on myself about not updating my clip store or my video diaries on a daily basis and nobody really gives a fuck about that. The world is not going to end if I don’t update something on a daily basis.

When I really thought about this I had to laugh. Is this really all that’s left that I can badger myself about? Is this it? Is this all you’ve got? YES! I feel elated that I have hit this point where I can laugh at what a hard ass I am when it comes to myself instead of feeling blah and continue to beat myself up. Laughter is a game changer. Immediately, it changes my focus. Laughter is cathartic like crying the more fun and less puffy face.

I filmed a video diary somewhere along the way in January that talks about this very thing. I laugh in the video about how hard I am on myself and that I don’t really have anything to be hard on myself for anymore. And this is true! The feeling of elation is now turning into acceptance and into a soft smile for myself out of love. Yep, that is me. I’m doing OK.