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Comforting and Horrifying – Free Writing

This is free-writing or that’s what I’m calling it and the English majors can piss off. This is a spill of my thoughts onto the page. I’m not interested in correcting it, its raw and my words, my truth. I don’t know why I still feel defensive about what I am doing but I do. Before anyone can bitch and moan and criticize me, I’m already explaining. I expect it. I’m used to it. I’m used to being told to shut up and that my pain is not “Appropriate” and no one cares. Here goes everything…

I am not alone. I am not alone in feeling this type of mental pain and anguish. I find the thought both comforting and horrifying at the same time. I wish I was the only one now as that would ease some of the pain of the world but that’s not possible. I am not alone in being raped as a child. I am not alone in once being a wife that her husband thought he could just do whatever with because he was entitled. I recommend NOT trying to find others online that have been through these things. Many are gone in an attempt to end their pain. Does it end it? No one really knows.

The decision to stay here and not kill myself is yet another selfless act of protecting those I love and care about from from that kind of pain. I’m preventing myself from hurting them. I gave a lot of thought to how I would do it and realized that if I completed the planning and carried out my death, I would damage the people that I cared about the most and more than myself. I came to realize that they would blame themselves and they do not deserve one once of the pain of self blame.

Others have used this love to hurt me and sometimes to hurt them. Not allowing certain acts and standing up for myself, threatening to tell, got my family hurt. This manipulative grooming and cruelty was never my fault yet I was told many times by the men who raped me. I hear echoes of this in our culture and its painful but do I speak out or try to ignore it? Ignoring it does not work. Once its in the engine it becomes part of the mechanism itself. It seeps into everything and destroys happiness until someone somewhere tells us that we don’t have to suffer. Its not our fault, they believe us, and that we can heal.

I don’t know if I can heal. I want to believe I can. I thought healing and getting past things was and end to thinking about it, remembering it, or being triggered. That’s not what healing is according to experts and other survivors. When I learned that healing is really just being able to deal with the memories when they come up and they are part of my life forever, I felt devastation. Devastation was followed by half-ass acceptance followed by denial and around this circle I went, mourning yet another lie of rape culture…that you can get over it and its gone.

I think about that stupid lie I was told and I realize more now about feelings and memories combined with my own life experience that my use of denial actually may have kept me more sane than I can imagine. Why did these people just expect me to be fine after this? Why is this an expectation of fall apart or be just fine and dandy, nothing is wrong, FUCK, sometimes I hate that I bought into the lies but what else did I really have to compare it too? I’m still working on forgiving myself and being nice to myself. I constantly have to forgive myself, my child self, my adolescent self, my adult self as a young woman. I have to forgive my older self now for quirky things that annoy me about myself. Yes, I get annoyed with myself and my sometimes neurotic feelings but then again, those are not my words either. Given the events of my life, how would someone be. What would they think.


  1. Valerian

    Dear Sarah,
    I wish we could upload your flow of thoughts and raw writing in the minds of every men who has no idea about the consequences of abuse and rapse. I wish they could see for one moment your pain, your wounds on the inside and your fight to get back control over your life like many other victims out here. And that’s why your work and writing is so important. The missing awareness of men is one reason that these crimes happen every day in our society and culture I think. The public has to realize that we need more prevention programs and support for victims. One other thing: It seems you’re still dealing a lot with expectations and reactions from the outside with your mind. What people say is bothering you. Shouldn’t be the only questions for a self-determined person “what do I want” and “what is best for me”? Pardon me if that wasn’t appropriate to say.

    1. admin Post author

      Thank you for your comment 🙂 It was very well said. es, people do bother me with what they say to me and I don’t think I’ll ever be completely free of others projecting onto me or the icky feeling it leaves. It is much easier to shake it off than it used to me. I’m a very sensitive person and I really don’t want to turn off my feelings anymore though. Being numb to others is a huge part of what is wrong in the world(IMO). I see what you’re saying though. I believe having a better understanding of myself and more confidence in myself/decisions will go a long way in not being as negativity affected by others. Its a work in progress for sure! Thanks again for the support. It helps me more than you may realize. 🙂

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