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My PTSD is Trying to Kill Me Again

“I will take your sleep which in turn robs you of your patience, your energy, and your ability to heal your physical body.

I will take your peace of mind and replace it with daily terror and fear. I will fuck with your memory, some days you will be not be able to put 2 sentences together, or remember to take care of yourself. You will question everyone around you and wonder if you can trust them but I won’t stop there. I will slowly grind away at your ability to trust yourself.

I will erode away at your self-confidence that you could be out in the world and survive. I will make you question your ability to survive by wrecking you with panic attacks, emotional flashbacks, and linking things in your normal life to your past so that it’s always right there in your face.

I will steal your peace away with flashbacks, hallucinations, and intrusive thoughts. I will make you feel crazy. I will pull you into a pit of despair as you struggle to smile and climb out.

Finally, I will steal your will to live. As you struggle to take it one day to time, hour to hour, and minute to minute, I will steal days, months, and years from you as you wait it out, wait to feel better, and wait for me to stop but I won’t. You will watch your life go by and everyone around you while you are at the state of paralyzing anxiety and stuck with me. My claws dig deep into your physiological flesh. I try to rip it.

I am such a mind fuck that I will not kill you myself but I will convince you to do it yourself or to be destructive enough in your urges that someone else might. I will convince you that it’s your only option and the only path to peace.

Death is the only peace-“

I SAY-FUCK THAT!

**This is the part where the superhero me, “self-care and love”  me comes in and kicks PTSD’s ass!

She ties up PTSD, and throws the fucker in the trunk.

“Enjoy the ride, ASSBUTT, you don’t need to be the front seat anymore!”

Superhero gets into the passenger seat and smiles at the driver which is me. In the backseat are my other selves the 3 year old child me, the twenty-something me, the teenager me, the villain me, the big angry guerrilla me, and all the others that occupy space in my mind that are all parts of me.

We listen to some music on the radio that we all like we jam out as we drive down the road to a happier life with PTSD securely in the trunk.

That’s how I see it in my head anyway. 28 people diagnosed with PTSD take their life every day. That is more than 1 per hour. Today, I am not one of them. This illness is trying to kill me and I will not let it. Not only with I live through this, just surviving, I will thrive and to my best to help lift other people up that are also suffering.

I’d really like to create videos of these scenarios as art therapy.  Hopefully, I can some day. I’m working on getting some special effects skills under my belt.

2 comments

  1. M

    They say “it takes one to know one” so yes, the PTSD horror (or suffering) of this makes you definitely a therapist/video creator/actor/supporter. It is ‘creds’ and that means a lot to the person seeking help.

    Doing video recordings that are available 24/7 freely would save people $$ and time. Many give up seeking help because they don’t want to feel the money spent (or maybe they have none) is taking away from some other family reason. Plus video means no reading text. <– – GREAT way for some who dislike reading or are so dizzy-mad they can't concentrate on it.

    I found that talk therapy helped me better than any meds I was fed. At $65 for a half hour it was too much for me. A friend at that time said 'hey I'll do it for $35. WTF???? I could have screamed YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE but held my rants…until now I typed that out. Thx. Pay for insurance? It doesn't cover it. I don't know about now if it does or not.

    If it helps only one person, one time it is worth all the effort put into it…which I suppose is a lot (I do not know how detailed the editing (etc) gets on these postings). So yea you are making a difference you can be proud of. I hope this message helps a wee bit.

    Panic disorder can be helped by exhaling slower than your inhales, called 2:1 breathing. That helped me a lot. A LOT. Inhale and count, then double the count and exhale slowly to that number. + pauses at 'each end of the breath cycle' helps to prevent getting dizzy and so on. Take 10 minutes to do good for me. I still do it.

    Hope this helps!

  2. UnMario

    A big hug to you. I’m here to support you anyway I can. Enjoy your life, the world is better with you inside it.

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