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Sexual Abuse and PTSD

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I was diagnosed with PTSD at 11 years old. I wasn’t told much about it at the time other than its what the soldiers have. To my 11 year old brain, this meant I was a soldier and then I thought I was a BADASS(if only for a brief moment). Remembering this makes me smile. I didn’t realise until later how true that was. Living with PTSD is very difficult. The anxiety I feel that comes along with it can be paralysing.

I filmed the above video to show others what a rough day for me looks like. Its a full on bought with my PTSD and I’m able to keep it together for most of the video. I still have issues with expressing myself. I have always felt I needed to hold that back, to protect others, to not inconvenience them with my pain.

I’m also going to medicate myself with french fries which I have heard that medicating oneself with food is a bad idea but its a basic comfort to me and sometimes..it works. I have to do what is working for me to cope with PTSD and if french fried does it, at least I am eating.

I could bore you with a bunch of facts about PTSD but that will be in a later post. Lots of websites have all these fact sheets but the numbers aren’t emotion and doesn’t show you what really happens. The video does. I can tell you that the rate of PTSD is higher amongst women and higher amongst survivors of sexual abuse. I don’t know why this is but I do plan on reading more to find out. I will be updating with things I learn as I go through my journey.

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Is Being In the Industry Hurting me?

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This was a question that a someone recently asked me about being in the industry and if it was repeating my abuse. This comes up occasionally when someone finds out that I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. They associate the 2 as cause and effect. I know many people that were not abused that have made similar choices. I don’t think the 2 are mutually exclusive but instead of the industry hurting me or causing me more pain, it has not. In many ways the industry has helped me to heal, feel good about my self, and meet a whole new world of people that I would not have had the privilege to otherwise. I entered into the industry for the adventure, beautiful women, and of course, the money.

In this video I talk about my positive experience and how, to me, it is not repeating my abuse and I don’t consider it abuse in the least. The reason behind this opinion is that I gave my consent. With my childhood sexual abuse and my experience with partner rape, there was no consent. I may have been in the industry if I had not been abused for the simple fact that I was not shamed about sex or nudity. To me, nudity and sex is beautiful. Its the abuse that is scary and ugly. I gave consent and continually gave consent throughout whatever experience I was having in whatever scene I was being filmed in or touch I received. If I said stop, people stopped. If I needed a break, then I got a break. If I needed to stop altogether or needed some care, then I received it. I felt a lot of love in the industry. You may not see it that way, but love doesn’t mean falling head over heels kind of love. I mean respect and caring about another’s well being…to me, that is a form of love.

Sure, not everyone likes me, and that’s ok. I’m not going to die if others don’t like my personality or whatever. I’m just me and going to keep being my true self. I was afraid to show some of my more goofy side because in that lies vulnerability. I didn’t show that side of myself to many but I’m changing that now. People are seeing the real me now than ever since I opened my youtube channel and have been letting myself out to play. See for yourself in the 17 minute, no cuts video above of my experience in the industry and I answer the question: Am I hurting myself?

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Paralysing Anxiety Vlog 1-15-2015

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Something traumatic happened in my neighborhood this week. I can’t really talk about it yet since it just happened but as per usual during a crisis I was pretty calm and collected during the night of the event and then the next day, when all was calm again, I was a wreck. After doing some reading about this I’ve learned that many people with PTSD are calm under pressure, calm during a traumatic event and then feel the effects afterward when everything is more back to normal. The trauma I can handle because I’ve experienced trauma before. When others panic, I can make decisions and react how is needed, like when dialing 911.

Maybe this is a perk of going through some horrible events in my life? Is there an upside to PTSD? I’ll be writing about this more but I like where this is going in my mind. I want to think there are some good things that have come out of my abuse and of course being calm during a scary event is a great thing to be able to do. Its the falling apart later and having paralysing anxiety that’s not so great.

I’m going to do some more research, write in my personal journal, and talk to my therapist about the possible upside to all of this. Its not easy but I think being able to see the positive aspects of something instead of concentrating on the pain could do me a lot of good.

If you have been through abuse or have PTSD, have you found that you can handle stressful situations in a calm and collected way until you don’t need to? I’m curious if this is common.

This is the course I was talking about in the video above:
Clickbank University
http://55d92oqqf9i3x0e7gryf8o0uff.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=YTVD01152015