I’ve been writing and filming vlogs but to tired and sic from PTSD to edit or post them. I’m starting to catch up a little now. Here is the latest one edited.
One of the most difficult feeling for me to have are feelings of hopelessness. I really dislike feeling this way and have found its definitely something I give myself a hard time about when I’m feeling it. This compounds the problem and then I feel even more hopelessness, BLARGH! So one of the big things I have been making a conscious effort to change to to be more accepting of myself. I’ve talked about this before and I really wish the changes could be overnight but they aren’t. It takes a lot of work for me to treat myself well.
Luckily, feeling hopelessness is not perpetual and it does pass. I have to stop interrogating myself with “WHY?” and start being kind to myself like I am someone else. How would I treat someone who was having these feelings? If one of my family members or a friend said they felt this way would I ask them 20 questions and beat them down? NO. I don’t need to do this to myself then. This reaction of self-hate is obviously a learned reaction and a repeat of how I was treated in my past when I wasn’t happy.I don’t always realize that I’m being so hard on myself until I start to feel even worse, and sometimes I catch it right away.
After that feeling lifted I can really see a difference. It surprised me when I was putting the footage together for the video diary the other day. I can only describe this feeling lifting as similar to when a headache lets up and you aren’t in pain. It is exhausting in the same way for me too. Coping with feeling hopelessness is more like a battle. One thing that has helped me is to just be kind to myself during that time period. I read, sculpt, write in my journal. I tell myself positive things, like a real inventory of that things that I am proud of, the positive people in my life. I call a friend or family member and the support can be just what I needed. What helps seems to change just as the emotions do which is frustrating. Nothing linear, point a to point b. The control freak in me likes to stomp its feet about this as with most emotional things I have to accept that I can not change them but only change how I react to them. I am trying to live more in the moment and enjoy my surroundings and the environment that I can control, right now.
The feeling of hopelessness is common in adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I mentioned earlier that I am trying to live more in the moment. There are tons of articles, and blog posts about this but I recently started reading a book that has some great straight talk about living in the present moment and I found it to be comforting. Its called: How To Live In The Present Moment, written by Matt Morris.
When I started to share about my past and surviving childhood sexual abuse and partner rape I wasn’t expecting the outpouring of love and support. I certainly wasn’t expecting the “thank you” I received from many who also have PTSD, are going through depression, and have anxiety. It felt great to not be alone but then I was a little sad too that SO MANY people are suffering and suffering by themselves, not telling anyone.
Let me tell you what I thought might happen which freaked me out a little and made me reluctant to post the vids. I thought the trolls were going to come out. I was waiting to be further verbally abused by the many people who have taken time out of their day to write me hateful emails. Thankfully, that’s not what happened. In fact because of the outpouring of support and love I now feel like I have a shield around my heart. That shield was built by my loved ones and supportive strangers I hope to become friends with.
So I want to thank everyone for being awesome instead of ass holes. Through that support that I received my faith in humanity’s restored a little. Through that support I started this blog. I feel that sharing what has happened to me and how I’m handling it can make an impact on someone else’s life. It would’ve made a huge impact on my life if I had seen someone just lay it all out there and be themselves no matter how crazy they felt. I think it would’ve helped me to realize that I’m not crazy.