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Unlocking Memories of Trauma- PTSD

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Along with that beautiful memory I wrote about before that was much like warm honey I also unlocked another horrific memory yesterday that was the polar opposite. In the past this type of memory would have put me on my ass for a few weeks or even months. I call these new memories because I’m experiencing the memory for the 1st time but I’m remembering something that actually happened. Sounds fucked, I know, and it is. Again, my mind saved my life by locking this away until I was strong enough to deal with it. I don’t usually feel strong enough to handle them when they happen but I always manage to get through it.

What I remembered was worse than before. I thought I knew what happened but still, there is more I didn’t know. I have to get through these memories but really, I don’t want to know any more. More terror, more pain…and this time I…I can’t talk about it yet. I feel like I need to keep the details to myself. It is difficult to express in words an event that happened before you has a grasp on language. Have you ever learned something or see/watch/witness/read something and you were hurting from it afterward even though it didn’t happen to you? I feel like this would do that to people. I’m still trying to protect others. I guess it doesn’t help that my 1st therapist basically ran from me when I started to tell her what I was remembering. I was 10 then. I haven’t had much luck with therapists since. It seems that they don’t want to listen after a few months and push alternative therapies besides talk. I want to talk, I need to talk, to get this out.

This is the burden I carry knowing I need to talk to someone but they bail on me so I have been relying on myself, talking to my family for support without any details. I’ve come far. What I know, what I experienced, hurts other people when they learn it. It hurts so much. The choice is pretty clear. Process or die so I will process this too. I’m going to find a way to deal with this with art and dance and writing. I can’t share this memory yet. I need to dissect this and mourn for myself. It really is awful to not remember and it is really awful to remember what happened.

The picture is becoming more clear now and it is flaying me emotionally. I’m going to be ok. This is actually progress even though it hurts just as much as the 1st time I remembered that I was raped. I’m an adult now and I have experience with remembering trauma. So much pain, so much sadness, so much! Why am I not dead yet? Because I chose to live in spite of this suffering every fucking day. I will not give up.

I’m resistant and pissy about it but maybe it is about time for some more therapy and guidance. I might try some online therapy options I saw. I do not want to slip back into getting super depressed and this is one of those memories where I’m not sure if I’m more healed and being a badass or it hasn’t fully sunk in. I’m definitely disassociating more often and my anxiety is more frequent since the new memory. I’m waiting to fall apart again or the other shoe to drop. I’m pretty raw right now. My head hurts and I’m going to bed to relax with some music my facebook and twitter friends suggested.

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Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse Vlog Jan 22, 2015

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New abuse survivor video diary for Jan. 22, 2015. The day started out rough again but then there was a great thing that happened. The memories lifted and my day became brighter. I felt stronger and happier. Although processing these memories from my past childhood sexual abuse and my 1st marriage are difficult, its not something  I allowed myself to do. That mode of thinking I wasn’t supposed to cry and I was just supposed to be silent about my pain was very unhealthy for me.  It hurt me more to try to do what society said I was supposed to do. I listen to myself more now and its really paying off.

I’ve learned that even if I am having a hard time that it will pass. My days aren’t all bad memories and when it happens I need to just sit with them and feel them. Let them integrate themselves and love myself in the process. I love myself by cooking myself great meals, listening to piano music, and not being hard on myself. These things that happened to me did happen. I have the time and opportunity now to heal myself, be kind to myself, and spend time with the people who love me for me…even the parts that I don’t like, they love them too.

It has not been easy but I’m learning what a valuable tool crying can be to help to cleanse myself and process those memories that have haunted me for years.  They are starting to integrate now.

Healing is not what I thought it was. So much misinformation about what healing and forgiveness actually is or what it looks like. Kinda pisses me off really, societies lies and all the shame being thrown around when its really not needed. I am not ashamed of what happened to be and my life will continue to get better, even if some days are rough.

The mental pain caused from the abuse seems worse than the actual abuse now. The lingering effects are challenging but really, I rarely back down from any challenge.  I feel things changing like my perspective and that’s the best thing out of all of this. Life is much better than it was, bad days or not, are better than bad weeks or months.

There is starting to be some backlash now(I expected it much earlier) for coming out with my experience but that’s ok. Our culture promotes suffering in silence. Feels a bit rebellious now that the negative comments are starting. I’m sure like before, they will continue and are just part of the internet experience.  I invited them to go for it in a comment on my last video diary.

Fear keeps people for standing up for themselves, for what’s right, and from sharing their pain with others.  I have been through and survived way worse treatment than a few abuse words on a computer screen. The important people in my life are  drowning out and hateful talk that many times, doesn’t make any sense. Anger tend to not make sense but the source of it is pain.

Because I know that anger is a result of fear or pain, I feel a sense of compassion for the people who are now up in arms about my vids. Its ok, it doesn’t want to make me stop helping myself with my video diaries. In fact, it strengthens my resolve to continue.

I’m not surprised that things were twisted. They concentrated on deflecting from the fact that I am an abuse survivor going through a rough time to focus on the fact that I have a wishlist. Yes, I’ve had it for years and I have a lot of fun with it as well as my viewers since I open the gifts on cam. I put the links on all the videos but they want to focus on that as if it somehow discredits me.  It doesn’t.

I’ve encountered negativity to most everything I have every done or talked about doing. Since I am in the adult industry, I have received tons of hateful comments and hatemail. Its nothing new and its like a repeat of the things said when I was in my mid twenties and more into the mainstream adult videos I was being hired to do.

The survivors and others struggling with similar circumstances with me have been so uplifting. I have received tons of emails and messages thanking me for sharing this with others and they’ve said its helping them. I didn’t expect that and it is really driving me to continue on and share even more. Those are the important people. They helped me not feel alone with my pain and in sharing it, there is healing there. Its amazing and my heart soars with those emotions that are overshadowing any attempt to get me upset or shame me.

Thank you for the compliments, emails, and messages sharing your experiences with me and your words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me and I hope I can offer that back in some way.

 

 

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Abuse Survivor Vlog Jan 20th, 2015

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This is my abuse survivor vlog for January 20th, 2015. I was feeling pain and sadness and today its sadness and anger. I’m angry at the injustice and that people get away with abusing others. I’m angry that out society seems to foster these abusive behaviors and encourage victim blaming. This is a step forward for me and the anger helps me process. It may not seem like a step in the right direction to be angry but it helps me to accept things that have happened. There is a cycle of grief that I experiences. Pain, sadness, anger, growth(integrating the feelings and thoughts into myself.

I slept horribly last night and my dreams were of time spent with abusive people. People that told me to trust them and then they started to lie and manipulate as soon as they received an inch, they look a mile. I spent my night with assholes. That was very unpleasant. Today my thoughts tun to vengeance and I have some interesting conversations with myself as 1 side is absolutely certain that causing those people pain would somehow improve my life. It won’t, I know better. So the other side tries to explain this to the vengeful side and they go back and forth. In the end my willpower wins out and no one is hurt, no one is looked up online, and I move onto other things until the vengeful side renews the argument once again. They aren’t worth my time, I am. So I do things for me, for my wounded side that is angry and gnashing its teeth and foaming at the mouth a little.

Instead of giving into the side of myself that can become abusive, I choose to be strong instead. I love myself and treat myself like a wounded animal. I’m cautious and loving. I am not afraid of this side of me but I treat it with respect so that it does not bite me. At any point I could turn the wrath onto myself. This part of me needs love in order to be able to feel safe again and rest. The conflict inside can be exhausting and confusing but as long as I keep being understanding and let myself be whatever it is I feel like being(aside from the all out unacceptable behavior that I am better than), I will get through this part of this cycle.

I’m planning on doing some more informational type blog posts and videos. Yes, there is a tone of websites that state effects of child abuse and statistics but sometimes when I read something, I don’t always connect with the author. Sometimes things need to be a certain way for me to grasp the content of the information better. I think this may also be the case with others. There are many ways to learn and many ways to talk about the information. Some of those posts can be a little dry but in my typical weirdo fashion, I will add my own input, opinions, and how I see what I’ve learned. I will still be doing the daily vlogs as well as the informational post. Information is awesome, awareness is awesome, ignorance is not bliss and no excuse. The world needs this information and the more people that share it and talk about it the better.

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Abuse Survivor Daily Vlog Jan 17, 2015 The Perfect Day

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It was the perfect day. I believe there are many ways that they can be perfect so there isn’t just one perfect day. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. What made it so perfect? The anxiety that I’ve been feeling for the past several weeks, all of the sudden, lifted. I wasn’t worried, I was having flashbacks, and I wasn’t feeling that stress that comes along with anxiety. It’s kind of like when you have a really bad headache and then that pain finally goes away.

I also got a lot done with my blogs and websites that I’ve been working on. The advice I’ve received in the lessons from the Click Bank University course that I’m taking have been paying off and web traffic is starting to increase. I’m getting a better understanding of what I should be doing to help myself transition from my current career into a new one.

I’m starting to feel more confident in myself and my abilities. Being an abuse survivor and an adult survivor of child abuse can be tough in this regard because it made me feel like I was being treated with abuse because I was not a good person. It’s very difficult to get out of that mindset. I still have trouble sometimes but I feel like I’m really making progress in feeling like that I CAN accomplish the goals and dreams that I want to. I’ve been holding myself back for too long.

I see a lot of other people holding themselves back as well. I try to do my best to encourage others to follow their dreams and get out of their own way too. Anything is possible and if I really wanted I can make it happen. What I want for my life now is peace. Yesterday was a very peaceful day and I’m grateful.

I’ve read that sitting with being grateful every day can improve your outlook on life. I’ve been trying to do think about what I am grateful for every day and to tell others that I am grateful for them. It was a little strange to do it first but now it’s pretty natural and I think it is really given me a more positive perspective on my life.

In the video above is the result of anxiety lifting in me feeling much much better. That’s why it was a perfect day. I was in pain anymore. Other days might get hard and I might feel that pain again. Even remembering past days of pain bring tears to my eyes but I’m doing better. I’m getting better. So if you haven’t watched the goofy video already check out my crazy hair!

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Doing Better with Anxiety Vlog January 16th, 2015

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My anxiety today was much better. I had a few moments but my neighborhood has been quiet today. My thoughts have turned to getting more out the projects I have been working on. I have a bunch of domains and now is the time to put things into action since I’ve decided to get out my own way. Less naysaying and more doing!

Sometimes its hard to feel like I’m capable of doing things the right way but there isn’t really a right and wrong way. Life is fluid like that and I am trying to learn to roll with it. I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to myself and my own life and I an doing my best to turn that skill of massive self control to better my life instead of hinder it. I still have those days where the “can’t” seeps in but I’m making progress in believing in myself again.

In the video above I reveal this blog to youtube and my general audience. I’m really proud of myself for starting this abuse survivor blog to share my experiences. Please feel free to comment or ask me questions. I was letting people interview me and now I’d like to open my video answers to also cover not just my professional life in the entertainment industry but also to answer questions about PTSD, anxiety, depression, my experiences, ect. Please note that I can only speak from my own experience and I in no way am claiming to speak for all survivors.

If you have a question please post it in the comments and I’ll be sure to add it to my list of video answers to do. Thank you for reading!

HuGz,
Sarah

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Is Being In the Industry Hurting me?

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This was a question that a someone recently asked me about being in the industry and if it was repeating my abuse. This comes up occasionally when someone finds out that I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. They associate the 2 as cause and effect. I know many people that were not abused that have made similar choices. I don’t think the 2 are mutually exclusive but instead of the industry hurting me or causing me more pain, it has not. In many ways the industry has helped me to heal, feel good about my self, and meet a whole new world of people that I would not have had the privilege to otherwise. I entered into the industry for the adventure, beautiful women, and of course, the money.

In this video I talk about my positive experience and how, to me, it is not repeating my abuse and I don’t consider it abuse in the least. The reason behind this opinion is that I gave my consent. With my childhood sexual abuse and my experience with partner rape, there was no consent. I may have been in the industry if I had not been abused for the simple fact that I was not shamed about sex or nudity. To me, nudity and sex is beautiful. Its the abuse that is scary and ugly. I gave consent and continually gave consent throughout whatever experience I was having in whatever scene I was being filmed in or touch I received. If I said stop, people stopped. If I needed a break, then I got a break. If I needed to stop altogether or needed some care, then I received it. I felt a lot of love in the industry. You may not see it that way, but love doesn’t mean falling head over heels kind of love. I mean respect and caring about another’s well being…to me, that is a form of love.

Sure, not everyone likes me, and that’s ok. I’m not going to die if others don’t like my personality or whatever. I’m just me and going to keep being my true self. I was afraid to show some of my more goofy side because in that lies vulnerability. I didn’t show that side of myself to many but I’m changing that now. People are seeing the real me now than ever since I opened my youtube channel and have been letting myself out to play. See for yourself in the 17 minute, no cuts video above of my experience in the industry and I answer the question: Am I hurting myself?