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Abuse Survivor Vlog Jan 20th, 2015

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This is my abuse survivor vlog for January 20th, 2015. I was feeling pain and sadness and today its sadness and anger. I’m angry at the injustice and that people get away with abusing others. I’m angry that out society seems to foster these abusive behaviors and encourage victim blaming. This is a step forward for me and the anger helps me process. It may not seem like a step in the right direction to be angry but it helps me to accept things that have happened. There is a cycle of grief that I experiences. Pain, sadness, anger, growth(integrating the feelings and thoughts into myself.

I slept horribly last night and my dreams were of time spent with abusive people. People that told me to trust them and then they started to lie and manipulate as soon as they received an inch, they look a mile. I spent my night with assholes. That was very unpleasant. Today my thoughts tun to vengeance and I have some interesting conversations with myself as 1 side is absolutely certain that causing those people pain would somehow improve my life. It won’t, I know better. So the other side tries to explain this to the vengeful side and they go back and forth. In the end my willpower wins out and no one is hurt, no one is looked up online, and I move onto other things until the vengeful side renews the argument once again. They aren’t worth my time, I am. So I do things for me, for my wounded side that is angry and gnashing its teeth and foaming at the mouth a little.

Instead of giving into the side of myself that can become abusive, I choose to be strong instead. I love myself and treat myself like a wounded animal. I’m cautious and loving. I am not afraid of this side of me but I treat it with respect so that it does not bite me. At any point I could turn the wrath onto myself. This part of me needs love in order to be able to feel safe again and rest. The conflict inside can be exhausting and confusing but as long as I keep being understanding and let myself be whatever it is I feel like being(aside from the all out unacceptable behavior that I am better than), I will get through this part of this cycle.

I’m planning on doing some more informational type blog posts and videos. Yes, there is a tone of websites that state effects of child abuse and statistics but sometimes when I read something, I don’t always connect with the author. Sometimes things need to be a certain way for me to grasp the content of the information better. I think this may also be the case with others. There are many ways to learn and many ways to talk about the information. Some of those posts can be a little dry but in my typical weirdo fashion, I will add my own input, opinions, and how I see what I’ve learned. I will still be doing the daily vlogs as well as the informational post. Information is awesome, awareness is awesome, ignorance is not bliss and no excuse. The world needs this information and the more people that share it and talk about it the better.

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Daily/Weekly Survivor Vlogs

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As difficult as it is to do video blogs let alone daily or weekly, they really are helping me to process what is been going on in my brain for all these years. I would like to say that I’m than to be doing daily blogs but at this point I think it’s going to be more of a weekly thing. Is a daily log something that you would like to see? I think it would be good for me to dedicate to something on a daily basis. Life is daily, surviving his daily, healing is daily.

So I’m in a try my best to start releasing more video diaries on a daily basis. Once I opened up and decided to share my journey with others it was like the floodgates had opened. The more I share the more I want to share. The encouragement I have received has been amazing. I’m not saying the word “amazing” lightly. As a matter of fact very few things impress me so when I say something is amazing I mean it.

If you view my YouTube channel you will realize that I do post a lot. There’s a lot going on in my life and I’m surprisingly really enjoying sharing the parts of me that I’ve hidden for so long. I know that a lot of other survivors are out there hiding themselves, being isolated, depressed. You are not alone. I am here doing many of the same things that you are in order to cope with daily life.

Please let me know what you think and how you feel about seeing more and more daily vlogs in the comments below. Thank you again for your support through all of this and the impact that you have made on my life. I’m sure there will be some days where I just don’t know what to say but those will be rare because I talked the whole lot. Sometimes I get writer’s block but it’s less about knowing what to say and more about having too many ideas at the same time.

So I like to make you a promise that I will be uploading at least one video diary a week if not daily so that I can share my life and my journey with you. Hopefully I can inspire you, inform you, show many of you that you’re not alone and you’re definitely not crazy!