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Why am I still here? For this? UGH!

I have these thoughts sometimes when things get rough: “Why am I sticking around just to suffer more…” NOT GOOD! This is not a fucking test. This is my alert that depression is cropping up again. That way of thinking serves nothing and no one. It is a servant of the abyss and well, that motherfucker is not the boss of me any longer.

Do you remember that little part I was telling you about that is healed? The part that doesn’t think everything sucks? Yeah, that part is rejecting the previous statement in a pretty defiant display that has me laughing to myself. I am very visual and the healed part just bare-assed mooned the abyss!

Feels kinda like that show Supernatural when Dean insults death and everyone’s, “OH SHIT, NOW WTF?” I half expect the abyss to rise up some big hand made of black water to drag me back but nothing happens. It’s like someone stopped the record with a screech. The silence was creepy like impending doom but that doom never showed up.

—-deleted paragraph that was me just being too hard on myself because fuck that shit. Nice try though!—-

Back to what I was saying. Despite what dumb fucks say in every message system I have, I do have a lot to live for. The main reason I haven’t taken some way out to end all the pain is my family. It would hurt them and I can’t abide that even if that means I will suffer more. It’s worth it to me. I also just adopted a new family member. Her name is Lilly and she is a 5 lb, 3 year old smooth coat chihuahua(pics of her coming soon!).

Another reason to stick around: Become the crazy old dog lady! See steps below!

How to become a crazy old dog Lady in 7 steps!(I’m on step 2)

  1. Adopt a dog
  2. Adopt another dog
  3. Bake dog treats
  4. Get a house coat
  5. Flip off the neighbors
  6. Adopt another dog
  7. Live a long happy life

 

3 comments

  1. Matt

    Congratulations on the new member of the Sarah family, Lilly. You will be a terrific dog lady. You certainly have a lot to live for, starting with yourself–you are worth living for, and celebrating, for a long and happy life.

  2. Mario

    I’ve seen Lilly, she’s adorable!

    I give you another reason for keeping alive: us who believe in you!!!

    Don’t leave us (well, don’t leave me!!!)

    😉

  3. Daniel

    This post hits home hard.
    Let me tell you Sarah, you DO have a lot to live for! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, and that little part that is healed will start to turn into bigger parts over time.
    Someone in the depths of despair could one day stumble across this blog and it could save their life, maybe it already has.
    Keep fighting, sending best wishes to you

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