Trained Victim

I found this piece that I wrote back in 2009. This was before I had a blog or really told anyone that I was abused outside of my close friends and family. I was having a difficult time. Writing has always helped to get my feelings out when I would allow myself. This writing is an example of how I used to view myself. I hated myself and was disgusted with me most of the time despite how others viewed me or saw my life. Trigger warning: Contents of this…

The Mistake

I’ve been The Nothing lately. There have been brief periods of flashbacks and memories. Mostly, I’m blank or angry(memories of the alters bleeding through?) with my ANP(apparently normal part)/Host??? working away doing things to care for myself. I lost touch with my other selves or the traumatic amnesia is back. It’s very confusing. There is not much contact aside from the funny one. I think I made a big mistake…and I am pretty sad about it if this is the case. I wrote about it my in my private diary.…

The Stairs

TRIGGER WARNING: This post has details of child abuse and marital rape. I have imagery I drew to express what I remember as part of art therapy. Please skip this entry if you feel like this might trigger your as a survivor or it may be too difficult and painful to read as a supporter. Practice good selfcare techniques and be good to yourself. This entry is my personal memories of abuse that comes to me in flashes and beats against my head until I express it or address it…

Abuse Survivor Blog New Vlog Today October 3, 2019

New Abuse Survivor Blog Vlog posted today on youtube and a longer more detailed vlog is posting up on my Patreon.com/sarahgarlits The youtube video is a quick update. The Patreon video is a more detailed video of how I am doing. It is about 10 minutes long. -Click HERE to watch the longer Vlog

Abuse Survivor Vlogs Over on My Patreon and an Update on Me

Watercolor cover art for abuse survivor blog

There are new Abuse Survivor Vlogs posted up over at my https://www.patreon.com/sarahgarlits I do share a lot openly on twitter but some things I just want to keep more private now. I am also not sure about their TOS at times and don’t want to get my account limited for blowing off some much needed steam. I’ll be posting that over on my Patreon account for you to view there. Also, when I talk about suicidal ideation I tend to want to keep those more private. They are more difficult…

New Abuse Survivor Blog Video Diary Sept 25th, 2019

New Abuse Survivor Blog video diary for today. I haven’t done one of these in a long time. I take you with me for a little walk in the woods near my house. Walking in nature really helps me to relax. Plus, I get to see all the cool trees and huge rocks on the property. I tell you about my new job and the other changes going on in my life right now. Some sad news too but I try to keep things as upbeat as possible. I even…

Understanding It Wasn’t Your Fault – Stages of Healing

One of the stages of healing from childhood sexual abuse, rape, or any abuse for that matter is to understanding that it was not your fault. Someone chose to abuse you. That is on them. There is no shame in love and trust. They are both beautiful things to have in this life. Love and trust did not hurt you. The PERPETRATOR chose to abuse you. It is normal to blame yourself. It can be easier to believe that we are somehow flawed instead of thinking that someone that cares…

Realizations

I had a realization and its been kind at the forefront of my mind lately. There is a lot of talk about letting go and moving on. As I sit here I realize that with complex PTSD I may never get to that “end point” in healing. That is not very realistic. This isn’t a stubbed toe and one day I will wake up all better and symptom free. I don’t heal as much as I learn. I mean that many people, including myself, think of healing as though one…

Dealing with Uncovered Memories of Abuse

Periodically, I receive what I call new memories. They aren’t new but repressed memories that my brain decided to hold back from me until I was able to handle them. How it decides that I am able to handle more memories of abuse is a bit lost on me but whatever, here I am. Over time and with practice in being self aware I can usually spot the changes in myself to indicate a new memory. Warning signs include insomnia, sadness with no discernable source, feeling off with my skin…

More Life Changes to Help My Healing Journey Along

I’ve been quiet a lot in the past month and that’s because I am making some more big changes in my life. I’ve shared a little on twitter about it. I’ve decided that I need to accept that I can only go so far by myself in my healing journey. I am no longer going to be living alone. This month I am downsizing everything in preparation for my move to upstate NY. This is so challenging to let go of stuff I’ve collected and had for decades! I’m going…