Trained Victim

I found this piece that I wrote back in 2009. This was before I had a blog or really told anyone that I was abused outside of my close friends and family. I was having a difficult time. Writing has always helped to get my feelings out when I would allow myself. This writing is an example of how I used to view myself. I hated myself and was disgusted with me most of the time despite how others viewed me or saw my life. Trigger warning: Contents of this…

The Mistake

I’ve been The Nothing lately. There have been brief periods of flashbacks and memories. Mostly, I’m blank or angry(memories of the alters bleeding through?) with my ANP(apparently normal part)/Host??? working away doing things to care for myself. I lost touch with my other selves or the traumatic amnesia is back. It’s very confusing. There is not much contact aside from the funny one. I think I made a big mistake…and I am pretty sad about it if this is the case. I wrote about it my in my private diary.…

Coping with Peace Instead of Abuse

Around the beginning of September I started to experience a big increase in insomnia, nightmares,  flashbacks, anxiety, and other CPTSD symptoms. I have had some time to think about this increase in symptoms and why the cycle has started up seemingly out of the blue. It’s not out of nowhere though. When you are in the thick of things, it can be difficult to see clearly what is going on. I am coping with less abuse. I didn’t realize that I was putting up with so much until I wasn’t.…

The Stairs

TRIGGER WARNING: This post has details of child abuse and marital rape. I have imagery I drew to express what I remember as part of art therapy. Please skip this entry if you feel like this might trigger your as a survivor or it may be too difficult and painful to read as a supporter. Practice good selfcare techniques and be good to yourself. This entry is my personal memories of abuse that comes to me in flashes and beats against my head until I express it or address it…

Abuse Survivor Vlogs Over on My Patreon and an Update on Me

Watercolor cover art for abuse survivor blog

There are new Abuse Survivor Vlogs posted up over at my https://www.patreon.com/sarahgarlits I do share a lot openly on twitter but some things I just want to keep more private now. I am also not sure about their TOS at times and don’t want to get my account limited for blowing off some much needed steam. I’ll be posting that over on my Patreon account for you to view there. Also, when I talk about suicidal ideation I tend to want to keep those more private. They are more difficult…

Realizations

I had a realization and its been kind at the forefront of my mind lately. There is a lot of talk about letting go and moving on. As I sit here I realize that with complex PTSD I may never get to that “end point” in healing. That is not very realistic. This isn’t a stubbed toe and one day I will wake up all better and symptom free. I don’t heal as much as I learn. I mean that many people, including myself, think of healing as though one…

Successfully moved to NY – Free Writing

I haven’t written much here as I was mostly posting on my twitter account. Threads and bite sized thoughts/posts was easier for me at the time. I have made it to NY and I am getting settled in. It has been wonder to be out in nature. There is a refreshing and healing quality to it. Next week I am getting more things done like getting back into therapy. I found a therapist and filled out my intake forms for the 1st evaluation session. Hopefully, this new therapist and I…

Dealing with Uncovered Memories of Abuse

Periodically, I receive what I call new memories. They aren’t new but repressed memories that my brain decided to hold back from me until I was able to handle them. How it decides that I am able to handle more memories of abuse is a bit lost on me but whatever, here I am. Over time and with practice in being self aware I can usually spot the changes in myself to indicate a new memory. Warning signs include insomnia, sadness with no discernable source, feeling off with my skin…

More Life Changes to Help My Healing Journey Along

I’ve been quiet a lot in the past month and that’s because I am making some more big changes in my life. I’ve shared a little on twitter about it. I’ve decided that I need to accept that I can only go so far by myself in my healing journey. I am no longer going to be living alone. This month I am downsizing everything in preparation for my move to upstate NY. This is so challenging to let go of stuff I’ve collected and had for decades! I’m going…

Take Me with You

A letter to Myself. I have written many of these over the years. The post pic of some of those letters. It scares me sometimes because all the selves in my start talking at once in my head. It scared me that I was all these selves before. I’m really trying to accept this about myself and love myself. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE! So, here’s a love letter: Dear Sarah, Take me with you when you need strength. Know that someone loves you and hold a safe place for you to be…