Broken No More

Sometimes, I feel broken. I have used that description before to describe a feeling but that does not describe me as a person. I am not broken. Today, I can see myself clearly. I can see that I was always whole. Parts may have been hidden but I am a whole person. I am not broken but strong. I survived. I lived. I’m still here. I am a whole person that is fighting to accept myself. I fought for change but I’m ok just like I am. I like myself.…

Free Writing- Job Transition

I’d like a clean break from one career to the other but that just isn’t possible.I have not been wasting time though. I have been working really hard on myself and studying marketing. I’m now creating a new business. I was afraid to use my real name for fear that assholes will come from my stalker/adult world and try to fuck with things for me. Fuck it, let them come and lose an eye or worse.It’s not like I was ever able to hide anyway. They don’t get to hold…

I Deleted My Video Blog on Youtube

I deleted my PTSD Video Blog on Youtube. It is not gone forever though. I will be re-posting the videos here on the blog for you to watch. It seems like every month or so there is another change that makes it more difficult for smaller creators over there. They are also not very supportive of mental health videos. I’m tired of censoring myself when what I have to say is also important even if I throw in a few expletives or share about some really difficult subjects.  I need…

Rewriting My Nightmares

Last night I had fitful sleep filled with nightmares. My brain is working on healing 24-7. Lack of restful sleep makes my daytime symptoms with complex PTSD flare up and become more difficult to deal with. One method of working through what I’m experiencing in my healing process is to talk about my experience. Share it, write about it, make a video or audio and talk. The other is visualization with “rewriting” what happened in the nightmare. While pacing around my house trying to cope with the energy that anxiety…

We Mean Nothing

The brother of the man that raped me repeatedly as a kid(he’s also a child molester and molested his own children among others, his son committed suicide at 16 after hurting a child himself and couldn’t live with what he had done.) decided to try to friend me on my personal facebook page. It triggered me hard but instead of being instantly built up into a rage I’ve been trying to quiet down. Why is he trying to do this? To upset me? To somehow how get in my life?…

Self Care Sleep Routine – PTSD Toolbox

More than 70% of people with PTSD have trouble sleeping. I have had trouble sleeping my whole life. Over time I have developed a self care sleep routine that helps me to get to sleep. Not having enough quality rest makes my life much more difficult in terms of coping with my PTSD symptoms. I wrote down what to do to wind down and then systematically tweaked that list. My Bedtime Routine: At 8pm-9pm the tv and/or computer goes off. (I still post a Gnite pic and look at animals on…