There are new Abuse Survivor Vlogs posted up over at my https://www.patreon.com/sarahgarlits
I do share a lot openly on twitter but some things I just want to keep more private now. I am also not sure about their TOS at times and don’t want to get my account limited for blowing off some much needed steam. I’ll be posting that over on my Patreon account for you to view there. Also, when I talk about suicidal ideation I tend to want to keep those more private. They are more difficult for me to share.
Maybe I will be braver and post them up. With all the TOS at twitter and youtube, they frown on people talking about mental health in that respect. It’s a shame too because many people suffer with depression and with the high suicide rate, it’s time we ALL talk about it. It is just too much for me right now to have those videos out in the open instead of the safe space of my Patreon.
Some of you may be wondering where there wasn’t a new blog post this week yet. I had to go to the emergency room on Sunday. Vertigo, nauseous, could not walk or stand without help we all effectively scaring the crap out of me. I don’t remember having these symptoms in the past so they are new to me. I have been dizzy at times and nausea is common but to the extent that the world was spinning and I couldn’t walk. That is new. After a panic attack I was given ativan to relax me. The doctor there said he thought that the vertigo was caused from anxiety and to follow up with my primary care physician.
I went to the PCP yesterday and he said he thought it could be from anxiety but the way I described it sounded more like vertigo caused by the inner ear. He had the same issue while on vacation. I have another prescription that helps with motion sickness and this inner ear bugger. It seems to be helping so far. So no one really knows why it is happening but many good things came out of this. I now have a primary care physician. He seems really great , listened to me, didn’t rush me or make me feel like a number. He was very compassionate when I told him why I have PTSD. I always say PTSD instead of CPTSD because it is not in the DSM yet and many doctors will only go by what is approved in their books.
I now have health insurance. Someone at the hospital probably helped that along(hey, they want paid too). My new doctor referred me to the Behavioral Health part of their practice so I have an appointment in November to see a specialist. I am sure they can refer me to a therapist that they work with. I am working on building a team of people to help me get through this CPTSD healing. It will take a long time and be ongoing care but I feel confident I have taken the right steps to get started.
I really needed to get on board with getting myself help again. I was slipping back into a dark place. I get very tired and frustrated with suffering with CPTSD. Sometimes I just don’t want to live anymore if it means suffering with constant anxiety, insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares, body memories, crushing sadness I can’t express, emotional deregulation, and all the other tons of symptoms that are basically wrecking my life. I was starting to become more and more isolated in my room, sitting and just suffering with the fact that I can’t cry about this, and my insomnia is back with a vengeance. I have barely slept in a month. I know the lack of sleep alone can exacerbate every other symptom I have. It was only a matter of time before I broke down in one way or another or attempted to take my own life.
About the cover art for this blog post:
Watercolor cover art was created by me. I draw, sculpt, and paint to help with my CPTSD. This picture is me flipping the bird to all my CPTSD symptoms while all the things that help me are behind me pushing me forward to fight the symptoms. Art therapy helps me a great deal to stay mindful and present. I never thought I could draw. It turns out underneath all that pain and trauma that holds me back is an artist! Anyway, here is one of my latest pieces. I shared some before pics in pencil on my Instagram and Twitter of the girl in the picture before adding the watercolor.