I haven’t written much here as I was mostly posting on my twitter account. Threads and bite sized thoughts/posts was easier for me at the time. I have made it to NY and I am getting settled in. It has been wonder to be out in nature. There is a refreshing and healing quality to it.
Next week I am getting more things done like getting back into therapy. I found a therapist and filled out my intake forms for the 1st evaluation session. Hopefully, this new therapist and I get along well and there can be a treatment plan developed.
In the meantime I am confused about how this transition is going. I keep delaying the inevitable transition from content creating to my new work. It is most difficult to shut these income streams down because I don’t have anything to replace them with yet. They take maintenance to keep the money coming in as all passive incomes do so I keep going back and forth thinking I can go back to work as an content creator than the denial lifts and I realize that I can’t do it anymore. This isn’t for me anymore. it is time to move on. So the retirement is back on instead of a hiatus like I thought when I backtracked out of my own fear.
I tried to shut things down before but was convinced to keep them going. I feel like I need a clean break from it but the fear of having no income is holding me back. Is having these income streams holding me back because I have to do a bit of work to keep them going and think I think I can just do all the things again?If it wasn’t there at all would I feel more motivated to move forward? Can I even work enough and be able to concentrate to move forward? Ugh, it’s all very frustrating. I’m great at convincing myself that if I make the right plan, then I can do all the work and I’ll be fine. But I won’t.
I guess I need to sit down with my family and make sure they will be ok with helping me. I keep thinking they will be upset with me if they have to take care of all the bills until I can get into therapy, get more well, and get back to work. It sounds a bit ridiculous now that I am typing it all out. They won’t be upset with me. This is the cptsd creating lies in my head and keeping me unsure of myself.
I feel like I want to chuck it all and have a fresh start but I’m scared. I can sell my art and move forward with my plans to go to school. Move forward with my plans to build websites. I have the tools available and skills. I am still just very scared. Self doubt haunts me but I will do it anyway. Starting from square 1 is also difficult after having success in another business.
Step 1 is talking with my family about all of this over the weekend to see what they think. I don’t really want to work in adult entertainment anymore. It is an inlet for abusive people to harass and threaten me. I love the work, but I can’t deal with the strangers invading my space and making death threats anymore. I want to be done with it and move onto healing, school, selling art, ect . I have my 1st therapy intake session/evaluation next week. I will be sure to talk about this as one of my goals. It is one of the most pressing issues I have right now.
Life transitions are tough. I have moved across the country to improve my life. I hate that I keep going back and forth on moving on from demanding too much of myself but I have been doing it for about 20 years now. It’s hard to just let it go. I feel like I have been trying to get out for a long time but I hold myself back due to insecurities. I delay then get upset with myself for delaying getting my life in order to continue healing and move on.
I am going to be ok. I am back on track with my priorities now. No one is going to be mad at me. I got this. Also, here is a new water color painting I just finished today as my featured image. Artwork helps me to relax and is a great mindfulness activity. It also helps me quiet the CPTSD symptoms.