What Happens At Your 1st Psychiatrist Appointment?

For many that are afraid to get help(myself included) I wondered what it was like at the 1st psychiatrist appointment. Anxiety and the stigma kept me away from going for many years. I have recently went for the 1st time again in about 2 years. The 1st time was in Las Vegas to psychiatric nurse practitioner and on Friday I want to psychiatrist MD. Here is what happens. The first thing you do is arrive early to fill out paperwork. This can vary in my experience with the amount of…

The Mistake

I’ve been The Nothing lately. There have been brief periods of flashbacks and memories. Mostly, I’m blank or angry(memories of the alters bleeding through?) with my ANP(apparently normal part)/Host??? working away doing things to care for myself. I lost touch with my other selves or the traumatic amnesia is back. It’s very confusing. There is not much contact aside from the funny one. I think I made a big mistake…and I am pretty sad about it if this is the case. I wrote about it my in my private diary.…

Coping with Peace Instead of Abuse

Around the beginning of September I started to experience a big increase in insomnia, nightmares,  flashbacks, anxiety, and other CPTSD symptoms. I have had some time to think about this increase in symptoms and why the cycle has started up seemingly out of the blue. It’s not out of nowhere though. When you are in the thick of things, it can be difficult to see clearly what is going on. I am coping with less abuse. I didn’t realize that I was putting up with so much until I wasn’t.…

It’s OK to be Angry That Someone Abused You

It’s ok to be angry that someone abused you. I know society likes to tell us all sorts of weird things about angry, forgiveness, about being weak for being angry, ect. I wrote this on twitter but I wanted to share it here too. I’ll be sharing more rants and things like this. I’ll probably make some audio recordings of this to listen to myself. I needed to hear this. I needed to read this. I’m going to come back to this and read it when I need to to…

Poll Results!

Poll Results for content on abuse survivor blog

POLL RESULTS!   I also wanted to let you know about the poll results from last week! 31 people voted(Thank you!) and here are the results below: My future plans include creating content with this poll in mind. About half of the votes were people wanting to continue to read my story and my healing journey. Awesome! I will definitely keep doing that. I will continue to create blog posts, audios, videos, and artwork including paintings, drawing, and sculpture. I know many of you have inquired about buying some of…

Understanding It Wasn’t Your Fault – Stages of Healing

One of the stages of healing from childhood sexual abuse, rape, or any abuse for that matter is to understanding that it was not your fault. Someone chose to abuse you. That is on them. There is no shame in love and trust. They are both beautiful things to have in this life. Love and trust did not hurt you. The PERPETRATOR chose to abuse you. It is normal to blame yourself. It can be easier to believe that we are somehow flawed instead of thinking that someone that cares…

Realizations

I had a realization and its been kind at the forefront of my mind lately. There is a lot of talk about letting go and moving on. As I sit here I realize that with complex PTSD I may never get to that “end point” in healing. That is not very realistic. This isn’t a stubbed toe and one day I will wake up all better and symptom free. I don’t heal as much as I learn. I mean that many people, including myself, think of healing as though one…

How to Find a Therapist

Figuring out how to find a therapist can seem like a daunting task. Hopefully, reading this blog entry will help you if you feel stuck and aren’t sure of what to do. Step 1 of How To Find a Therapist: Deciding to hire a therapist  You have committed to bettering yourself and are enlisting the help of an expert by hiring a therapist. That’s right, you are hiring someone to assist you in feeling better, getting to your goals, consulting with you to learning coping strategies, and/or treating you a…

Successfully moved to NY – Free Writing

I haven’t written much here as I was mostly posting on my twitter account. Threads and bite sized thoughts/posts was easier for me at the time. I have made it to NY and I am getting settled in. It has been wonder to be out in nature. There is a refreshing and healing quality to it. Next week I am getting more things done like getting back into therapy. I found a therapist and filled out my intake forms for the 1st evaluation session. Hopefully, this new therapist and I…

Dealing with Uncovered Memories of Abuse

Periodically, I receive what I call new memories. They aren’t new but repressed memories that my brain decided to hold back from me until I was able to handle them. How it decides that I am able to handle more memories of abuse is a bit lost on me but whatever, here I am. Over time and with practice in being self aware I can usually spot the changes in myself to indicate a new memory. Warning signs include insomnia, sadness with no discernable source, feeling off with my skin…