Realizations

I had a realization and its been kind at the forefront of my mind lately. There is a lot of talk about letting go and moving on. As I sit here I realize that with complex PTSD I may never get to that “end point” in healing. That is not very realistic. This isn’t a stubbed toe and one day I will wake up all better and symptom free. I don’t heal as much as I learn. I mean that many people, including myself, think of healing as though one…

Stages Of Healing From Sexual Abuse: 1 Deciding to Heal

There are many stages of healing that a survivor of sexual abuse goes through. Not only do we go through these stages but we go through them over and over again, each time getting more integration. There is no real order to them and many times I have felt stuck in one stage or another. I desperately wanted to feel better and “get over it” as they told me I should have already have done. I now know that a complete resolution may not be possible for me but that…

A Message to Survivor of Abuse

I filmed a video a couple weeks ago that I was going to post next week. The more I thought about it, the more I moved it up.  I posted it today because survivors like myself don’t need to hear these words tomorrow or next week. Some of us need these words right now. It is so powerful to hear that someone believes you, believes in you, and that the abuse was not in any way their fault. I was inspired to post the video now instead of later by…

Conversations with the Sun

I remember talking to the sun as a child. Every morning I was thankful for it coming up again. During some of the abuse I would dissociate and talk to it or I would talk to it afterwards. I would have pretend conversations with it. I would ask that it would just stay bright and there would be no night. At night is when the bad things would happen. When the sun came up in the morning I knew it was safe to sleep again. I would beg for it…

I am NOT Ashamed

Shame seems to be one of the most effective tools that abusers and society have to make survivors of abuse feel horrible about themselves and keep them suffering in silence. I buck against this way of thinking because it directly contradicts my truth. I know what is true in my heart about myself. I have clear examples in my memory that proves to myself that I am not a bad person and I have no reason to think otherwise no matter how many people want to point fingers or criticize.…

Be Yourself

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo What if I told you that you are not broken…that you don’t have something wrong with you, you don’t need to be fixed. You were hurt. Someone hurt you. They need to be fixed. You are injured and will heal if you let yourself. Like a tree that’s faced the harsh winds, you will grow stronger and more resilient. You do not have to be happy all the time.…

Feelings of Hopelessness

One of the most difficult feeling for me to have are feelings of hopelessness. I really dislike feeling this way and have found its definitely something I give myself a hard time about when I’m feeling it. This compounds the problem and then I feel even more hopelessness, BLARGH! So one of the big things I have been making a conscious effort to change to to be more accepting of myself. I’ve talked about this before and I really wish the changes could be overnight but they aren’t. It takes…

Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse Vlog Jan 22, 2015

New abuse survivor video diary for Jan. 22, 2015. The day started out rough again but then there was a great thing that happened. The memories lifted and my day became brighter. I felt stronger and happier. Although processing these memories from my past childhood sexual abuse and my 1st marriage are difficult, its not something  I allowed myself to do. That mode of thinking I wasn’t supposed to cry and I was just supposed to be silent about my pain was very unhealthy for me.  It hurt me more…

Survivors of Child Abuse Video Diary Jan 21st, 2015

This is a video diary for January 21st, 2015. It wasn’t posted until now because I was having such a hard time that I couldn’t re-watch the video diaries for editing and writing descriptions until today.I am still recording lots of videos as well as video diaries every day. I am feeling better but the next few vlog posts will definitely be hard to watch. I’m working through some really awful memories. They are so awful that I’m having a hard time voicing them. I’m still not sure if I…

Abuse Survivor Vlog Jan 20th, 2015

This is my abuse survivor vlog for January 20th, 2015. I was feeling pain and sadness and today its sadness and anger. I’m angry at the injustice and that people get away with abusing others. I’m angry that out society seems to foster these abusive behaviors and encourage victim blaming. This is a step forward for me and the anger helps me process. It may not seem like a step in the right direction to be angry but it helps me to accept things that have happened. There is a…