Unlocking Memories of Trauma- PTSD

Along with that beautiful memory I wrote about before that was much like warm honey I also unlocked another horrific memory yesterday that was the polar opposite. In the past this type of memory would have put me on my ass for a few weeks or even months. I call these new memories because I’m experiencing the memory for the 1st time but I’m remembering something that actually happened. Sounds fucked, I know, and it is. Again, my mind saved my life by locking this away until I was strong…

Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse Vlog Jan 22, 2015

New abuse survivor video diary for Jan. 22, 2015. The day started out rough again but then there was a great thing that happened. The memories lifted and my day became brighter. I felt stronger and happier. Although processing these memories from my past childhood sexual abuse and my 1st marriage are difficult, its not something  I allowed myself to do. That mode of thinking I wasn’t supposed to cry and I was just supposed to be silent about my pain was very unhealthy for me.  It hurt me more…

Abuse Survivor Vlog Jan 20th, 2015

This is my abuse survivor vlog for January 20th, 2015. I was feeling pain and sadness and today its sadness and anger. I’m angry at the injustice and that people get away with abusing others. I’m angry that out society seems to foster these abusive behaviors and encourage victim blaming. This is a step forward for me and the anger helps me process. It may not seem like a step in the right direction to be angry but it helps me to accept things that have happened. There is a…

Abuse Survivor Daily Vlog Jan 17, 2015 The Perfect Day

It was the perfect day. I believe there are many ways that they can be perfect so there isn’t just one perfect day. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. What made it so perfect? The anxiety that I’ve been feeling for the past several weeks, all of the sudden, lifted. I wasn’t worried, I was having flashbacks, and I wasn’t feeling that stress that comes along with anxiety. It’s kind of like when you have a really bad headache and then that pain finally goes away. I also got…

Doing Better with Anxiety Vlog January 16th, 2015

My anxiety today was much better. I had a few moments but my neighborhood has been quiet today. My thoughts have turned to getting more out the projects I have been working on. I have a bunch of domains and now is the time to put things into action since I’ve decided to get out my own way. Less naysaying and more doing! Sometimes its hard to feel like I’m capable of doing things the right way but there isn’t really a right and wrong way. Life is fluid like…

Is Being In the Industry Hurting me?

This was a question that a someone recently asked me about being in the industry and if it was repeating my abuse. This comes up occasionally when someone finds out that I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. They associate the 2 as cause and effect. I know many people that were not abused that have made similar choices. I don’t think the 2 are mutually exclusive but instead of the industry hurting me or causing me more pain, it has not. In many ways the industry has…